Gee. I don’t know. That’s a tough one. My gut reaction is to say Vanessa Paradis because for one glorious day I would be the wife of Johnny Depp. But before I commit to that, I need to call my lawyer to make sure that having sex with another man whilst supernaturally inhabiting the body of his wife is not technically considered cheating.
It would also be kind of cool to be a cop for a day. I would relish the power of having everyone slam on their brakes and slow down to the speed limit as soon as they see me.
Wait. No. I’ve got it! I know who I’d be. Kanye West.
I am such a non-confrontational person so it would be thrilling to experience the, I don’t know what to call it- confidence, gall, narcissism- of the man who thought it was totally acceptable to storm on stage and interrupt Taylor Swift’s speech to share his opinion with the world.
I know what you’re thinking. He’s not the same man he was back then. He’s been working on becoming more humble.
Well, maybe he’s working on it, but from his behavior on January 26 of this year, I think he is still quite self-important.
I am basing my opinion about Kanye on a theory I have formulated over the years. My theory is that, although technically we are supposed to capitalize proper nouns- words that represent a unique, specific entity- many of us tend to simply capitalize words that are important to us.
For example, a lot of people incorrectly capitalize the terms bachelor’s degree and master’s degree. Don’t get me wrong, these degrees are very important. I mean, without a bachelor’s, many of us would have no idea how to work a beer bong. But, we don’t capitalize it when we are talking about the degree in general, only when we are referring to the specific name of the degree:
I have a bachelor’s degree vs. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree.
We also capitalize college degrees when we are using the initials:
A.A., B.A, B.S., M.B.A., Ph.D.
We also tend to capitalize the words mom and dad all the time. Now, these are two very important people, but we only capitalize mom and dad when we can substitute the words mom and dad with their names.
My dad’s name is Bruce. In the following sentence, it makes sense when I substitute the word dad with Bruce, so I capitalize the word dad:
I just spoke to Dad.
I just spoke to Bruce.
I just spoke to Bruce.
However, in the following sentence, it doesn’t make sense when I substitute Bruce for dad, so I don’t capitalize dad:
I just spoke to my dad.
I just spoke to my Bruce.
Basically, when my (or any other possessive pronoun) proceeds the words mom and dad, we don’t capitalize them.
Now, back to Kanye:
These are his January 26, 2011 tweets:
NO ALCOHOL BEFORE TATTOOS
WE LIVE THIS SHIT! WE EMBODY THIS SHIT! WE WOULD IDE FOR THIS SHIT SO YOU YOU CAN LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!
HIGH END RAP MUSIC! GHETTO STADIUM SHIT! THEY AIN'T WANT US AT THE FESTIVALS NOW WE WILL RUN THEM!
Every single letter is capitalized! He must believe that, not just every word, but every single letter he writes is important.
I I would ide to know how that feels.