Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Powerlessness of Now

Okay, look, I know I am supposed to live in the now and appreciate what I have, but it’s hard when my future is going to be soooo much more awesome than my now. Today, I am merely an English teacher with a stack of essays riddled with unnecessary commas and missing apostrophes plopped on my desk. In the future, I am going to be a famous author. I am going to own vacation homes in the Mediterranean and Hawaii. And once my new age-defying face cream kicks in, my skin will be resplendent.

I also kind of enjoy living in my past. It’s fun to spend hours replaying the fight in my head that Heather and I got into in the seventh grade when I found out she called me a wannabe behind my back. My thirty-five-year-old comebacks are so much better than my twelve-year-old comebacks: "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about" versus “I know you are but what am I.” (Granted, I plagiarized my thirty-five-year-old comeback from Oscar Wilde, but Heather has no idea—she’s only twelve.)

The fact that I reside mostly in the future and the past makes me a then kind of person.

(Future) Once I am relaxing on my lanai with my glowing skin, then I will be happy.

(Past) Back then, I was reading Sweet Valley High, not Oscar Wilde.

But, now that I think about it, I’m also kind of a than person. I constantly compare myself to others:

I hope my life turned out better than Heather's.

Are you a then or a than? Or both?

Or are you the frickin’ Dalai Lama?

19 comments:

Shelly said...

Pure genius!

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

A "wannabe" WHAT?

(And was Heather right? Did you "wannabe" THAT?)

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Shannon said...

Do you really see a lot of then v. than errors? That would bug me because it seems so clear and obvious.

THEN again, I'm smarter THAN the average bear. :)

Kelly said...

Hilarious!
I had a good past. I look forward to the future. I need to remember to breathe in the now. And I want to borrow that age defying face cream...for now and the future!

Duncan D. Horne said...

Nice post. Always enjoy reading your grammar discussions! I'm a 'then' person. Discovered it's no use comparing oneself to others!

Duncan In Kuantan

Dylan Fitzgerald said...

I am a than and a then. I think that just makes me petty and kind of weird. I can live with that.

BUT: That does not make me different FROM many others. ;)

Theresa Milstein said...

Your comeback for your twelve-year-old nemesis is perfect. Like she's ever heard of Oscar Wilde.

I'm a "then" person. It's all about the future, baby! Of course, this face cream isn't making my complexion as resplendent as I'd like. It's a small price to pay for the fame and fortune that awaits me.

my day in a sentence said...

I'm a then. Big time. :D

K Najarian said...

Not sure which I am, but I'm leaving for Vegas soon so I can think about it then when I'm lounging by the pool with my daiquiri. Thinking about it then will be much better than thinking about it now with appointments, errands, responsibilities and so on. Thanks, Jenny!

Crystal Pistol said...

Ha! I spend a great deal of time reading spiritual writings. I try to focus on the power of now. But I admit I tend to dream about how wonderful the future will be when I am rich and famous and can afford a face lift. (In the future I am sure I will need one.)

cestlavie22 said...

Very entertaining post! For me I used to be a person who always lived in the past. However, life has a funny way of showing you that the only thing you can do is look forward to what is going to happen and THEN be happy you cant dwell on the past.

Mary Aalgaard, Play off the Page said...

I am definitely both. I relive conversations, too, wishing I knew then what I know now and could have had a sharper wit.

Talli Roland said...

I love living in the past. I know what's already happened and I can construct my own little scenarios where I am always victorious!

Powdered Toast Man said...

How do I know if I am a then or a than? Is it on my driver's license?

Janet Johnson said...

Oh, I'm the Dalai Lama for sure! Okay, more like Dolly Llama, but whatever. Fun post!

traci's mixed bag said...

I tend to be more of a then than a than. Wait a minute, did I get that right? I've never been so confused in my life. LOL

traci's mixed bag said...

BTW You're an excellent inventive writer and I'm sure you will get all you're hoping for.

tracirz said...

lol
I'm the frikin' Dalai Lama.

And maybe thin.

:P

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I can't believe I missed this post! I'm still laughing, but I do sometimes look back at old fights and think of great comebacks. Alas, the time is past. Maybe one of my friends will steal my gum again one day. I am PREPARED!