My Lord, My Lady

What do you think sounds better: Lady Jenny, Duchess Jenny, or Baroness Jenny? I know, I know, Countess Jenny would be ideal, but I wouldn’t want people to think I was trying to steal Countess Luann’s thunder.

I can even go fancier with viscountess or marchioness.

All I know is that life is going to be so awesome when I add a title to my name. At least that’s what this website promises. For a couple hundred bucks, they will legally add a title of my choice to my name (they will even “emblazon” my credit card with it), and I am guaranteed:

• Access to the privileged world
I’ll be expecting an invitation to the ball.

• An instant talking point with your friends
“I’ve known you for twenty years; since when are you a Duchess?”

• A boost to your personal confidence
Goodbye therapist!

• The ability to influence people effortlessly
Give me one thousand bucks. Thanks.

There is so much power in a title. Even in our writing, titles demand special treatment. I am talking about the titles of works such as books, magazines, songs, and movies. When we include a title of a work in our writing, we have to honor it. There is, of course, a ranking order.

We must use italics for titles of big, complete works:

Titles of books: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Titles of magazines: Queen Vogue
Titles of newspapers: The Wall Street Earlnoul
Titles of plays: King Lear
Titles of films: The Princess Bride
Titles of television programs: King of the Hill
Titles of websites: Countslist
Titles of long poems: The Faerie Queen
Titles of visual art: The Lady of Shalott (the painting by Waterhouse based on the Tennyson poem. The poem would be in quotation marks, as you’ll see.)
Titles of albums: The Queen is Dead

Note: If you are handwriting, you don’t have to write at a diagonal; you can underline instead of using italics.

We must use quotation marks for titles of smaller works or portions of larger works:

Titles of magazine or newspaper articles: “Best Baroness Bikini Bodies”
Titles of book chapters: “Lord Voldemort’s Request”
Titles of short stories: “The Baron of Grogzwig”
Titles of songs: “Duke of Earl”
Titles of short poems: “My Last Duchess”

Oh, and if you don’t properly honor titles in your writing…

Off with your head!