If you haven’t seen it, Super Size Me is a documentary in which the documentarian, Morgan Spurlock, commits to eating only Mc Donald’s for a month to find out if fast food is to blame for America’s obesity epidemic.
Some of us- I mean you- who really only eat Taco Bell drunk at 2:30 in the morning may critique the premise as over-the-top, claiming that no one eats that much fast food. But, I think he has a point: even though we may not all eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, this nation does consume $134 billion worth of fast food a year. And do Barstow residents even have any other options?
Similarly, the email I am about to show may seem over-the-top to some; you may think that most of us don’t write these kinds of emails. On the other hand, some of you may see it and think, “So, what’s the problem?” Well, for those of you who don’t see a problem, pay special attention. And for those of you who think I am just being a drama queen, trust me: this is becoming more the rule than the exception.
So, I am going to take you through it. The only thing changed was the name.
Warning: Reading of email may result in similar symptoms experienced by Spurlock after his thirty day Mc Donald's diet: dizziness, fatigue, heart problems, depression, and loss of sex drive.
WRITING SKILLS Mon 1:30
Bob Last Name Smith
HEY JENNY IT'S BOBBY JONES ..
I WAS WRITING TO ASK YOU IF U CAN PLZ EMAIL THE HMWK TO ME. IM TRYING TO MAKE IT TO YOUR OFFICE HOURS BUT I COULDNT CATCH U YESTERDAY. SORRY FOR MISSING LAST WEEK'S CLASS ALOT OF THINGS WERE GOING ON FAMILY ISSUES. I HAD TO LEAVE SCHOOL COME BACK N LEAVE SCHOOL AGAIN. I WAS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM THROUGHOUT THE WEEKEND GOT REALLY SICK IT'S JUST BEEN HECTIC. IM GOING TO TRY N MAKE IT IN TODAY BEFORE U LEAVE SCHOOL AT 2 TO SEE IF I CAN MAKE ANYTHING UP. BUT IF NOT CAN U EMAIL ME THE HMWK PLZ.
THANK YOU SO MUCH BOBBY BROWN
1. Why is he yelling at me?
2. Look at the subject header. It says Writing Skills Mon. 1:30 Bob Last Name Smith. It looks harmless enough, right? The problem is that the class actually starts at 1:15, and he gave me the correct first name but that’s not his last name. Yeah, I don’t know either.
3. Like a grandmother that insists on being called MiMi, I’m not ready to accept that I am old enough to teach college students, so I let my students call me by my first name. On the other hand, greeting me with a “Hey” is not part of the deal.
4. This is an email, not a tweet; he is not limited to 140 characters. All words should be spelled out.
5. On the other hand, all the details of his life needn't be spelled out. In fact, all of the details he included hurt him more than helped him. The emergency room, family issues and hectic- I’m not buying it.
6. This email was sent well after we covered run-ons, commas and apostrophes in class. Don’t write your English teacher asking for something and ignore everything she has taught you. This doesn’t exactly put you on her good side, especially after she suspects you of lying. You might as well be applying for a job at PETA wearing a fur coat.
7. As Yoda said, “Do or do not... there is no try.” Don't tell someone you are going to try to make it so see them- make it happen or don't say anything. Big surprise- he never showed.
8. At least he thanked me.
Now, if I were him, this is what I would have written:
This is Bob Jones from your Monday 1:15 Writing Skills class. Can you please email me this week’s homework assignment?
P.S. You are the most inspirational and prettiest instructor I have ever had.
Okay- nix the P.S.