Friday, March 19, 2010

If I Could Turn Back Time

So, since November, I have taken the moral high ground. When the story broke about Tiger Woods' affairs, I told myself that I wasn't going to read about it or discuss it. I felt so bad for his wife that I didn't want to participate in any behavior that would further humiliate her.

But, last night I broke. I read the article "Tiger's Sexts To Porn Start: A Textual Analysis" and read all of his explicit texts to Joslyn James (I was an English major; I can't resist textual analysis.) And, wow! Those were some pretty full-on texts. I mean, some threads he could have maybe covered up if he got really creative, like this one:

Tiger: Sent: 05:46 PM 07/30/2009:
Heading back from the course [1] now.

Tiger:Sent: 05:52 PM 07/30/2009:
How close are you

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels [2]. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

If this were the only one, maybe he could have gotten away with an, "Elin, it's not what it sounds like. It was my physical therapist. My knees have been acting up again, and I needed him close by, but I didn't want my opponents to know that I was injured. You know how it is, Babe."

But, then it just gets out of control:

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question

Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust [7]

Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no [8]

At this point, I don't think there's any way to justify an "It's not what it sounds like, Babe," even if it were his physical therapist.

And, as we have probably learned along the way from our own relationship mishaps, usually it is exactly what it sounds like.

Well, there is an exception. Actually, there are three of them:

Could have, Would have, Should have

When spoken aloud, they sound like this:

Could of, Would of, Should of

But, they aren't what they sound like. It's have, not of.

Or, if we want to use the contraction form, it's this:

Could've, Would've, Should've

And, speaking of could've, would've, should've, which three words do you think have been plaguing Tiger for the past few months?

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