A Rep to Protect

I haven’t really been following the Charlie Sheen saga, but it’s impossible to avoid completely. It’s on every news outlet, Bill Maher joked about it in his opening monologue two weeks in a row, and a surf shop on my way home from work has “Winning!” posted on its billboard.

From what I’ve gathered, Charlie said some crazy shit about having tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA. He said something about winning. I heard his publicist quit, and I am pretty sure he got fired from Two and a Half Men.

It looks bad for him, but it might actually be a blessing in disguise. Let’s face it- he has never been so popular. Something about his unique cocktail of cockiness and insanity has intoxicated the hearts and minds of the people.

And with that power comes responsibility. Now he’s got a reputation to uphold. Nary a sane word should leave his mouth lest he lose our confidence.

In fact, it’s a good thing his publicist quit. He doesn’t need someone trying to clean up his act; what he needs is one of those little devils on his shoulder that dissuades him whenever something normal is about to leave his mouth.

For example, imagine he was about to say something as blasé as “Good morning” to his neighbor. Before such insidious words left his mouth, his guardian devil could whisper into his ear, “Apollo Helius has risen once again to welcome me to his Olympian harem of goddesses.”

I’d lend my reputation-upholder-shoulder-buddy to Charlie, but mine would be of no use to him. Mine would just make sure his grammar was correct, like it did for me this morning. Earlier, I was responding to an email from a colleague, and I wrote “Your welcome.” I thought nothing of it. It felt natural, and I didn’t even question it. I am, therefore, convinced that what ensued was the work of my grammar guardian angel:

I miraculously caught the error right before I clicked send, and I changed it to “You’re welcome.” This is important because, thanks to this blog and my own big mouth, I am known around campus as the grammar go-to girl. A grammar error might simply shatter my reputation.

And once my reputation is shattered, I might absolutely lose it and spiral downward into a pit of debauchery and grammatical incorrectness. That’s right- I might turn into Snooki.