Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Rep to Protect

I haven’t really been following the Charlie Sheen saga, but it’s impossible to avoid completely. It’s on every news outlet, Bill Maher joked about it in his opening monologue two weeks in a row, and a surf shop on my way home from work has “Winning!” posted on its billboard.

From what I’ve gathered, Charlie said some crazy shit about having tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA. He said something about winning. I heard his publicist quit, and I am pretty sure he got fired from Two and a Half Men.

It looks bad for him, but it might actually be a blessing in disguise. Let’s face it- he has never been so popular. Something about his unique cocktail of cockiness and insanity has intoxicated the hearts and minds of the people.

And with that power comes responsibility. Now he’s got a reputation to uphold. Nary a sane word should leave his mouth lest he lose our confidence.

In fact, it’s a good thing his publicist quit. He doesn’t need someone trying to clean up his act; what he needs is one of those little devils on his shoulder that dissuades him whenever something normal is about to leave his mouth.

For example, imagine he was about to say something as blasé as “Good morning” to his neighbor. Before such insidious words left his mouth, his guardian devil could whisper into his ear, “Apollo Helius has risen once again to welcome me to his Olympian harem of goddesses.”

I’d lend my reputation-upholder-shoulder-buddy to Charlie, but mine would be of no use to him. Mine would just make sure his grammar was correct, like it did for me this morning. Earlier, I was responding to an email from a colleague, and I wrote “Your welcome.” I thought nothing of it. It felt natural, and I didn’t even question it. I am, therefore, convinced that what ensued was the work of my grammar guardian angel:

I miraculously caught the error right before I clicked send, and I changed it to “You’re welcome.” This is important because, thanks to this blog and my own big mouth, I am known around campus as the grammar go-to girl. A grammar error might simply shatter my reputation.

And once my reputation is shattered, I might absolutely lose it and spiral downward into a pit of debauchery and grammatical incorrectness. That’s right- I might turn into Snooki.


The Shanner of Attention said...

You're* posts are amazing. Your* the Gilda Radner of 4th grade English!!!


Carolyn Abiad said...

LOL! We'd need to see Snooki-style hair on you before we could consent to any ideas like that!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Charlie is great because he knows he's being a clown, but does it anyway to entertain people. It "Your welcome" technically a grammar error? I would have said it was a spelling mistake.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

:) I'm sure you could be forgiven for one or two mistakes, but I'm also glad you take your responsibility seriously. I'm the grammar girl in my group of friends, and they tease me about it, even though I correct their essays. *sigh* Actually, I'm just "The English Major" in my group, so that works too. :)

Krista said...

I'm with Bethany Elizabeth on this one. I'm the English teacher of the group/family, and I'm constantly fighting with myself to refrain from correcting everyone's mistakes. I receive criticism for it too. Great post, by the way. As are all of the ones that I have read previously.

Tere Kirkland said...

Thank St. Parenthesis of Semi-Colon, your reputation is in tact! ;)

I love this post. Thanks for keeping me abreast (a-Breast, lol, that's a gift for YOU, Two and a Half Men writers) on the Sheenanigans.

Kelly M. Olsen said...

Your hilarious...oops! I mean you're hilarious.
I can't wait to read more of your blogs.

Kelly said...

Charlie is going to combust soon.
I like your new grammar fairy on top!!

Dylan Fitzgerald said...

If there ever were to be a grammatical error that got out, you could always phrase it as a test for the recipient of the grammatical error-- along the lines of: good job! You caught it! I was trying to see if you would ;)

Just remember: to err is human. To correct grammar is just simply divine.

Stephanie Faris said...

LOL, well put! He also thinks he's a warlock? He's either lost his mind or those are some strong drugs he's taking.

Meg O. said...

I love you.

And yes, it would be a tough job for you to be his publicist. I would skip out on that one, as well. Too many grammatical errors.

Theresa Milstein said...

You have a loooong way to go before you turn into Snooki.

Sometimes, I get a critique back from a writer, only to realize I've committed one of those you're/your there/their sins. I'd rather have plot holes!

And about Charlie, he's actually coming to Boston to perform. What do you think he'll say? I think it's too sad to go but tempting.

Janet Johnson said...

LOL! I'm going to have to think about what my reputation-upholder-shoulder devil is saying to me.

And phew! on the close call. :)

Talli Roland said...

AH! No! Say no to Snooki! And no to 'your welcome'!

Mary Aalgaard said...

Good catch. A slip of the fingers can be fatal. I have trouble with form and from, and our vs. are. I know the difference, but my fingers don't.

The Invisible Seductress said...

You had me rolling with this post as usual... Your amazing! :)

James Garcia Jr said...

Hello, my friend. It's been too long! My laptop caught a virus that took three afternoon/evenings to finally be rid of. Then our family followed by son's High School Wind Ensemble from our Central California home to New York City and Carnegie Hall. When I got back to this bowl of a valley we live in, my allergies flared up. *sad face* My laptop has been acting poorly ever since the virus, which I just managed to clean up today.
Now that things are back to normal, I had to surf over and see what you have been up to. Charlie Sheen, huh? I hope there are no meltdowns in Japan; watching this idiot do his thing has been bad enough...and I liked Two and a Half Men, too.
*more sad face*
Take care,

fireadventuresofjess said...

I agree with you about how much the news has forced Charlie Sheen into our minds. It's all silliness.

WalksLikeAnEgyptian said...

"A grammar error might simply shatter my reputation."

Now you know how WE feel when we comment on your posts!

PissAnt138 said...

As usual, Charlie Sheen is the crazy entertainment that Hollywood loves to cradle, and force on the minds of their audience. Funny stuff the way you connect your attention grabber to your lesson. I can see the confusion between "Your Welcome" and "You're Welcome."
Please don't become Snooki because you might find yourself believing that salt water comes from whale sperm.. Duh, not winning!!