I Swear I'm Not Bitter

I don’t remember a ton about my childhood, but I do remember this: I never got a Cabbage Patch Kid. I wanted one. Everyone else had one. My cousin had Ramona Anne. My best friend had Stephanie Marie. Other parents would get into physical brawls with other parents in Toys "R" Us to get their kids the last Cabbage Patch Kid on the shelf, but not my parents. Not even one little fistfight.

Do I sound bitter? I’m not bitter. Oh no. Unwrapping my Hanukkah gift and finding a box of underwear and socks instead of a cuddly, chubby-cheeked doll complete with its own birth certificate has actually made me a better person. Now, I can totally empathize with others who have been shafted.

Take flat adverbs, for example. I feel so sorry for them. These poor adverbs do the same job as regular adverbs (they modify verbs, adjectives and other adverbs), but they just don’t get the fancy ly at the end like almost all other adverbs.

Here’s a list of some flat adverbs:

fast, far, straight, fine, hard

In 1983, you had to move fast if you were going to get a Cabbage Patch Kid.
(Fast modifies the verb move.)

Mom, tell it to me straight; you are never going to buy me a Cabbage Patch Kid, are you?
(Straight modifies the verb tell.)

Slow can also be considered a flat adverb. We tend to drop the ly when slow describes a verb denoting movement:

Drive slow; there’s a Cabbage Patch Baby on board.
(Slow modifies the verb drive.)

Speaking of baby on board… if anyone's wondering why there are no grandchildren yet, perhaps it’s because I never got a Cabbage Patch Kid during my formative years and, consequently, my maternal instinct never adequately developed.

My sock drawer, however, is full.

References:

“Adverbs ending in –ly.” Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips. http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/adverbs.aspx.

“Slow.” Merriam-Webster’s Learners Dictionary.

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