Thursday, October 7, 2010

If I Were a Rich Girl

Sometimes I am so grateful I am a teacher. Not because it provides me with the opportunity to make a difference in students’ lives or shape a tiny sliver of America’s future, but because it affords me financial protection: as a teacher, there is no chance in hell I will ever make enough money to allow me to finance my neuroses.

I just read that Lady Gaga’s fear of the supernatural cost her almost fifty grand on a "state of the art" electro-magnetic field meter that can detect ghosts. Fifty grand! With a teacher’s salary, she’d be able to get away with some sage (from Ralphs, not Wholefoods) and maybe a nightlight.

And did you hear what Tim Gunn wrote about Anna Wintour, the Vogue editor? Apparently, she had her bodyguards carry her down a flight of stairs because she was wearing uncomfortable Manolos and didn’t want to take the elevator. I could probably afford a pair of Manolos- if they were the only shoes I bought for the whole year. But, if they got uncomfortable, I couldn’t afford a Bubba to guard me from the impending bunions.

Maybe I am so down-to-earth that no matter how much money I had I would never do such crazy things, but who knows? Money is said to do crazy things to people. Just think- all that money might take my grammar obsession to a whole new level.

I might, for example, hire some minions to capitalize the J's and lowercase the B's on all of jetBlue's planes:

Who do they think they are parading their irresponsible capitalization from LAX to JFK?

I'd probably also hire a team of techies to erase all of Rachel Zoe's misuses of "literally" before I watch the next season of the Rachel Zoe Project. It figuratively drives me crazy.

Or, better yet, I might just hire a troupe to literally act out all of the things that Rachel Zoe says literally occur. For example, it would be kind of cool to experience how one can literally feel like a cow about to moo. Is it similar to the feeling a goat experiences before it's about to bleat? And, I have never seen a person literally pull a dress out of her ass. That should be fun.

I might even try to convince Dave Chappelle to sell me his reversible white panda, bald eagle coat.

What would you do?

15 comments:

j.m. neeb said...

If I were a rich girl? Sex change operation. It's pretty easy being a guy. :)

Clarissa Draper said...

Wow, I 'literally' had no idea what you were talking about! I think I'm missing out because I haven't kept up on pop culture. Great post. Now, I have to catch up on some YouTube videos.

CD

Jeffrey Beesler said...

No amount of money can replace the good value of quality grammar and proper spelling. Thank you for another insightful post!

Carolyn Abiad said...

This is a challenging subject. As I've never had to even remotely worry about the possibility, I might need a few more minutes to come up with something besides the standard yacht, beach house full of books scenario... Yeah, I think you win with the grammar fetish.

Gorilla Bananas said...

If a woman told me she literally felt like a cow about to moo, I'd take her word for it. Sometimes you've got to go with the flow rather than quibble about semantics.

Rick said...

If I were rich I would buy meat clothes like Lady Gaga. It seems like it would be awesome to be able to BBQ and eat my clothes rather than washing them.
Also, I think I would buy the Internet. It's getting very popular and I think would probably make me even more money. (Which I'll need to support my meat pant habit.)
And if all else fails, I could always sell it on Craigslist.

Janet Johnson said...

I literally would buy an island and go write. ;) Okay, maybe not, but fun post!

Theresa Milstein said...

I have to come watch this later. You won an award on my blog!

Hannah Kincade said...

I would buy a house and fill it with books and write all day...apart from the time I'm watching movies of course. :D

James Garcia Jr said...

Hello, my friend. How are you? If I had a big chunk of change, as some say, I would immeditely write what I have wanted to write for 21 years...my two week's notice from my day job. ;)
Thanks for asking.
-Jimmy

Theresa Milstein said...

The video was too funny!

My sister says literally all the time. Literally. I'll say, "Are you sure you don't mean figuratively?" It doesn't dissuade her. I hope she doesn't find your blog and read this comment.

No One Reads The Copy said...

This literally made me laugh out loud. Literally!

Ricky said...

Great video. Very funny.

vodkaandgroundbeef.com said...

"I just read that Lady Gaga’s fear of the supernatural cost her almost fifty grand on a "state of the art" electro-magnetic field meter that can detect ghosts."

I'm assuming your telling lyes hear.

And I know you'd like to bust me for that poor wording up above, but you can't because I'm a teacher too, and we can't do that to each other.

If I was given the funding, I'd hire a bacon chef. Yes, just someone to always be at my beck and bacon call. I want my house smelling like bacon at all times. I said house. I meant apartment.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I echo Hannah's comment - that's just what I was going to say!

I hopped over from Theresa's blog to say hello! Now following. :-)