Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Brazilman

When my husband and I lived in Byron Bay, Australia, our closest beach was a nude beach. It was too convenient and beautiful to forsake, so, yes, now I have seen many grown men naked- especially those in their golden years who like to fish nude with their buddies. After a few visits, we became so comfortable with the unclothed human form, we even stopped snickering at the group of nude yogis who practiced on the beach, although naked Down Dog was a little tough to get used to.

So, after a few months of living there, it should not have been weird when a nude man came up to me and my friends and handed us a flier for a party- but it was. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but as I watched his naked body saunter down the beach, I kept thinking that there was something peculiar about him. Finally, it hit me: he was completely shaved- everywhere.

That was my first and only experience with such an extreme form of “manscaping.” Why did he do it? Did he want to be smooth? Did he want to draw more attention to his penis? Would men also soon adopt landing strips and bedazzle their penises?

Why not? The gender gap is decreasing, and we women have been using tricks to either accentuate or minimize certain assets for ages. There are make-up tricks to make our noses look smaller and our eyes look bigger. We wear high heels to make our legs appear longer. And we are obsessed with manipulating the size of our breasts: In the 1920s women detracted attention away from their breasts by binding them. In the 1950s boobs were big and cone-shaped. And in the 1990s, the Wonderbra did for cleavage what Grunge did for flannels.

In that way, bras are like punctuation marks. Depending on which punctuation marks we use to “cup” certain phrases, we either attract or detract attention from them.

Parentheses around the phrase minimize its importance:

The naked guy at the beach (the hairless one) invited us to a party.

Commas neither accentuate nor minimize. They imply that the phrase is equally as important as the rest of the sentence:

The naked guy at the beach, the hairless one, invited us to a party.

Dashes totally accentuate it:

The naked guy at the beach- the hairless one- invited us to a party.

You know what we should do? Before anyone else thinks of it, we should contact the Fruit of the Loom guys and pitch them the idea of padded underwear for men. What should we call them? I’m thinking something with banana. Or maybe even papaya. It's too bad butternut squash isn't a fruit.


Resource:

http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/parentheses/parentheses/

19 comments:

Bethany Elizabeth said...

Great illustration! Funny, slightly disturbing, but very clear. :)

Rick said...

You've inspired me to do some grammar style manscaping. I'm thinking a semi-colon.

Clarissa Draper said...

Can I just say, you have the hottest ways of making grammar fun and memorable. Thanks for the laugh and the lesson.

CD

Mary McDonald said...

Why not call them Coco-nuts? ;-)

Wendy Ramer said...

You crack me up. And you've really mastered the art of the segue. (Now, there's a writing technique worth blogging about.)

Georgina Dollface said...

So I've been thinking about this topic lately - punctuation, not nudist beaches - and I'm glad to say this lesson was right up my alley. I could probably draw some naughty pictures with a bunch of ((('s and some ;;; and a few %%%%'s and """"'s, but I won't. - G

Logical Libby said...

Any way you write it, it needs to be written in bold and possible bright pink.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm afraid that someone has already thought of marketing padded underwear for men. I'm pretty sure that linking it to punctuation would be a new idea, though.

logicisvariable said...

No. Who says English is boring. Just the name of this blog brought a smile on my face. You have a nice blog I would love to follow.

j.m. neeb said...

I've never really thought about it before, but I definitely agree with Wendy. Your segue abilities are quite impressive!!

At the risk of TMI, I completely shaved once, but only out of curiosity. Yeah, that's one road I'll never go back down.

Hart Johnson said...

But squash IS a fruit! The seeds at the center prove it!

You have to know I LOVE any post where nudity is involved, and the combination of nudity and punctuation is absolutely SUBLIME (and my husband thinks ALL people should be completely hairless--drives me nuts and I won't comply, but the birds are less rare than you might think)

Joanna St. James said...

He he I learnt a good lesson today.

Julie Musil said...

Your posts always crack me up. Especially when you approach this subject with "I couldn't put my finger on it."

So, did you go to the party?

Amanda Sablan said...

LOL. Your posts are like commercials: they start off one way and end another.

Talli Roland said...

Manscaping! I love how you segued from that into parentheses!

Carolyn Abiad said...

Your posts always make my day! :D

Theresa Milstein said...

Manscaping taught me a valuable lesson in parentheses versus commas versus dashes. I didn't see that coming. And now I'll never forget it.

Boonie S said...

"I couldn’t quite put my finger on it...." - Yeh, yeh, yeh - that was accidental, right?
Great post. Useful lesson too.

Have a nice day, Boonie

The Dotterel said...

You're too late: M&S has already done it...
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/retailandconsumer/8052455/Marks-and-Spencer-launch-body-enhancing-underwear-for-men.html