Therapist: Hello Jenny, I haven’t seen you since Arrested Development was cancelled? Are you experiencing lingering withdrawal symptoms?
Me: No. I’ve decided to cling to the false hope that the movie will actually get made. I am here today because I am afraid I am experiencing trust issues.
Therapist: Is this about your husband saying that the Playboy magazines you found under the mattress belong to his friend?
Me: No, we dealt with that. It turns out he only reads Playboy for the articles. I’m having different trust issues.
Therapist: Well, according to Freud, women may experience trust issues because the girl child develops her first sexual impulses towards her mother but realizes that she is not physically equipped to have a heterosexual relationship with her mother, since she does not have a penis and experiences penis envy. Is any of this resonating with you so far?
Me: Not really. I mean, my mom’s cool and everything. By the way, happy birthday, Mom.
Therapist: Well, why don’t you tell me how these trust issues are manifesting?
Me: I was grading an essay yesterday, and after correcting so many spelling mistakes- words like chalenging, habbit, and supposably- I corrected the spelling of the student’s name from Lidia to Lydia. I’m at the point where I don’t even trust my students to spell their own names!
Therapist: I prescribe a glass or two of red and the weekend off.