Friday, May 21, 2010

On the Steel Horse I Ride

If I am remembering this correctly- that the way to find my porn name is to combine the name of the first street I lived on with the name of my first pet- then my porn name is awesome: Max Beth. As an English instructor, it doesn’t get much better than some porn with a Shakespearean twist. Maybe my tagline could be “Screw your courage to the sticking-place” or “Is this a dagger which I see before me?”

We have porn names, striptease classes, and a holiday dedicated to slutty outfits; I’m pretty sure that there’s a little part in all of us that wants to work in the sex industry. I mean, hell, we’re sexual beings, and who isn’t curious about what it’s like to have strangers putting dollar bills in your panties? Oh, you’re not? Yeah, me neither.

Well, for those of you who are, I’d like to make one suggestion: let’s leave our porn name out of our email addresses. Or, let me rephrase that: let’s at least leave our porn name out of email addresses we use for our academic and professional correspondence.

Once I received a student email from I hope I wasn’t projecting my Urban Cowboy fantasies onto my student; cowboywoody is a little suggestive, right? After learning that this student referred to himself as cowboywoody, it was a bit difficult to take him and his work seriously. But, he was not the only one: I receive emails from cuteass this and hottie that. I’m just not sure that is the kind of image you want to project to someone like your future employer- unless it’s Hef. I recommend using some version of your non-porn name, the one on your birth certificate.

Using your given name in your email address is not always that simple, though. You may type in your name and discover that your name has already been taken. When that is the case, a common practice is to add a number after it, like this: Might I suggest that you don’t include 0 in that number. It’s hard to tell between a zero and the letter O, especially when handwritten.

Oh, and stay away from 69 and 420 too- unless you're applying as Snoop Dogg's assistant.


Mary Aalgaard said...

I saw your blog name in the comments from one of the other blogs that I follow, and it made me curious. I thought, is this a gal with numerous children since she's always missing her period? It's a very clever title, and humorous approach to teaching the syntax of our language. Write on!

Missed Periods said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Missed Periods said...


Thank you for checking out my blog.

Talli Roland said...

Haha! So true! Sometimes students would email me from 'bigbooty' or 'hardpacket' or something equally laughable!

Theresa Milstein said...

Cowboywoody? (I'm shaking my head.)

Mine would be Cinnamon Keane. The workshop I just attended warned writers to use our actual names for blogs and e-mails to get our name out. Younger people aren't thinking about long-term consequences of their actions.

Jen said...

LOL cowboywoody, that one's going to stick with me forever! I will say though that your blog name shows up as missed periods and it always makes me curious as to what the hell goes on over here at this page and then I realize how dirty I am!

I'm in full agreement I don't care to see, it's just ridiculous, especially if you aren't sexy and you do look like a slut, that's all I'll think about! I stick with my first and last name at It just works easier that way!

Oh BTW my porn name would be EIGHT OREO... Oh yeah I can picture the dollars dropping for me, lol.

Jen said...

Happy 100+ by the way!

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

LOLOL. Very cool post ... Hmm, so what's my porn name? Umm ... Edwin Socks. Ugh.

smummert82 said...

haha I'm Toby Baywood, And my English teacher has us put our porn names instead on our papers sometimes when we peer edit.

Wendy Ramer said...

The first street I lived on was a number (65th Terrace), but if I count the first street NAME I lived on, it's too good to be true: Virgin Pandora.

I am not making this up. My first pet was a black poodle named Pandora. And the first named street I lived on was in Seville, Spain, where all the streets in my barrio began with the word "Virgen" as in my street, Virgen de Todos los Santos.

I am Virgin Pandora. Watch me straddle my pole!