I'm Not That Kind of Girl

I think about fanny packs a lot. They're genius, right? A fanny pack would be perfect for one of those nights at the bar that seems like it’s going to be totally chill, but then everyone has a little too much to drink and there’s really good music playing on the jukebox and all of a sudden it turns into an awesome dance party. You want to dance, but it’s hard to really get down while carrying your purse because it keeps sliding down your arm. So you put your purse on the bar stool, but then you can’t really get down because you keep checking on your purse. 

I feel like I should get over myself and get one. I mean, we all should if we’re honest with ourselves. But I know I never will. I just don’t see myself as the kind of girl who wears a fanny pack. They got such a stigma back in the 80’s; I just can’t. 

 

In a similar vein, I won’t use emoticons. The longer they’re around and the more I email and text, the more I realize that they really do help convey the appropriate tone. But I just don’t see myself as the kind of girl who uses emoticons. 

What I use instead of a smiley face is the exclamation point. That perky little punctuation mark does to a sentence what an umbrella does to a cocktail: makes it impossible to take that seriously. When I want to convey a lighthearted tone, I simply place an exclamation point after my sentence.

I thought I was the inventor of using the punctuation mark for tone, but I was wrong. I just read an article that claims that ending a sentence with a period in a text message does to a sentence what red does to a bull: makes it angry. The article says, “I’ve noticed it in my text messages and online chats, where people use the period not simply to conclude a sentence, but to announce ‘I am not happy about the sentence I just concluded.’”

Is punctuation as tone setter a new trend? Does that question mark I just used simply indicate that I just wrote an interrogative sentence, or does it mean that the sentence reveals that I am emotionally confused? If I use a comma, does that mean that I'm feeling hesitant?

What tone does a semicolon convey?

Crime against Grammar

It was 8am, and I heard my door bell ring. I would love to say I had been up for an hour and was just finishing the last ten minutes of my Thigh Master routine, but the truth is I was fast asleep. I’ve been sleeping in a lot lately—like for the past thirty plus years. 

The door bell had been rung by the maintenance guy at my apartment complex. He told me that someone had hit my car and shattered my tail light. It was a hit and run!

Who could it have been? Who would shatter the tail light of a poor, innocent grammarmobile in the dead of night and just take off?  It had to be someone who hates grammar.

So I did some investigating, and I came across an article about the celebrities with the worst grammar on Twitter.

I narrowed it down, and I came to the conclusion that it must have been Jessica Alba. 

She has always been jealous of my looks.

My New Year's Resolution

When we think of New Year celebrations, we think of champagne and kissing and resolutions and Times Square and that horrible movie from 2011 that starred everyone famous. 

Okay, that was uncalled for. I have never even seen that movie. I just assume it was horrible because … I don’t even know why. Ugh! Why am I being so negative? 

I think I’m a little sensitive today because we associate the New Year with so many wonderful things, but we often forget about the poor apostrophe. I’ve been noticing lately that many people are leaving the apostrophe out when they write New Year’s Eve and New Year’s resolutions. 

And maybe I’m scared that with every year the apostrophe will become more and more obsolete. Remember that article from earlier this year that argued that the apostrophe was unnecessary?

So this year, I am going to make a New Year’s resolution in an effort to honor the apostrophe: 

I resolve to be a lot more possessive.

Nuts!

 

A lot is happening in the world of grammar lately. My friends have been emailing me really interesting grammar articles. Unfortunately, you will not get to learn any of the interesting grammar news in this post, and that is because I just graded an essay that contained a typo that has had me laughing like Beavis and Butthead for the past ten minutes.  Here it is: 

It was considered sac religion.

Now, all I can think about is sac religion. 

I’ve come up with some of the commandments: 

1. Thou shalt not kick.

2. Thou shalt not enter cold water.

3. Thou shalt not wear blue.

4. Thou shalt not listen to Tchaikovsky.

Help me. I need ten.

This Is Some Highbrow Sh*t

This toilet automatically lifts its lid when you approach. When you're finished, it gently blasts your bottom with warm water and proceeds to air dry your tush. It also self-flushes, self-cleans and deodorizes the air. And if you have $5,000 lying around, you should totally buy it for someone for Christmas. But if you don't have $5,000 lying around but you want to get your loved ones something bathroom related but highbrow, you should buy them this book: 

 

A handful of my friends have contributed to this anthology, and these friends are crazy talented writers. 

So here is the link if you want to read some really good shit!