Grammar Madness

versus

Ever since I was in college, I have always felt left out of March Madness. I went to Cal, and I remember that everyone was super excited about March Madness, and I was too embarrassed to admit that I had no idea what they were talking about. I was an English major; I knew the Ides of March, Middlemarch, and the March sisters, but I knew nothing about college basketball.

I still don’t. 

But as I was listening to the radio this morning and everyone was going on and on about March Madness, those old college insecurities about feeling left out resurfaced. I made a decision: I want in! 

However, there’s not time for me to properly educate myself about the finer points of basketball (i.e., goals, home runs and touchdowns), so I’ve decided to create a March Madness of my own: Grammar Madness. I want to determine the best punctuation mark. We’ll start with a competition between the exclamation point and the question mark.

 Which one wins, and why?

Have Your Pi and English Too

Similar to how we tend to either identify with Christina or Britney or with cake or pie, we tend to think of ourselves as either a math person or an English person. 

This is hard for me because I consider both “Genie in a Bottle” and “Hit Me Baby One More Time” to be my jams, and if I were presented with a slice of flourless chocolate cake and rhubarb pie, I would shove them both in my mouth with equal gusto.

  

And the truth is that I enjoy calculating and conjugating.

I am thinking about this today because it’s National Pi Day (3/14), and just because I would be considered more of an English person, I don’t want to be left out of any Pi Day festivities.

Plus, I don’t think math and English are really as opposite as people think. 

English is largely considered to be the wilder of the two while math is considered the more rational. To put it in Sweet Valley High terms, Jessica would be English and Elizabeth would be math. And, of course, there are aspects of English that are wild and creative, but it can also be quite mathematical. Writing essays actually reminds me of the proofs I used to have to do in geometry: in order to successfully prove the thesis, one must logically present the supporting points. Also, I remember the phrase “if and only if” from math, and I tell my students that we use a comma before and “if and only if” the and joins two independent clauses: 

Comma: To celebrate Pi Day, I want to measure a circle’s diameter and circumference, and I also want to divide the circumference by the diameter.

No comma: To celebrate Pi Day, I want to measure a circle’s diameter and circumference and divide the circumference by the diameter.

And to top it off, math isn't always a stick in the mud. I know for a fact that Pi is totally irrational!

Do you consider yourself a math person or an English person? Or a little bit of both (manglish?)?

Your Text Is on Fire

(Title of post is intended to be read to the tune of the Kings of Leon's song.)

The picture you see above is of an essay header I received today.

There are several issues I have with this header. First of all, why isn't my name capitalized? Second of all, the header is not in MLA format. Third of all,I don't actually teach a class called English combustion; I teach English Composition. 

But, most important, now I totally want to teach a class called English Combustion! 

What do you think the class entails? 

The Day Is Nigh

The day when dangling participles stand erect, when subjects and verbs agree, when Americans conjugate all night long. 

Yes, National Grammar Day, celebrated on March 4, will be here in a few short days.

In honor of this glorious holiday, I will be spreading the grammar cheer by giving away five copies of my book on Goodreads. The winners will be chosen on March 4. Here’s the link. Sign up. NOW! 

Sorry ... I just got a little excited. 

How are you going to celebrate National Grammar Day? 

I was thinking about drinking COMMApolitans with friends and cruising the town for some cute singular nouns (not nouns that are too proper, though).

I Didn't Do It

The other day, a friend told me that he feels bad complaining to me because I never complain. 

And that’s not the first time I’ve heard that complaint from a friend.

Of course, I do complain sometimes, but I have to admit that I am one of those annoyingly optimistic people. I tend to believe that everything works out, that everything happens for a reason, that we are lucky because other people have it worse, blah blah blah. Basically, I’m like the least satisfying person to vent to because I am always trying to make you see the silver lining or help you fix the situation when all you really want to do is bitch.

Because of my annoying optimism, I tend to believe that everyone’s problems are solvable. When someone tells me about a problem they are having, my immediate reaction is to want to try to fix it. You hate your job; let me search Monster.com all night and find you a new one. You’re unsatisfied with your weight; I’ll wake up extra early and go running with you. You are having a fight with your boyfriend; let’s all three sit down and talk about it. You’re having problems in the bedroom; let’s have a threesome and I’ll give you feedback. 

I KNOW that’s not healthy behavior; I know it’s called co-dependence. 

This desire to fix everyone’s problems should make it hard for me to use sic. We use sic when we include quoted material in our writing and the quoted material contains grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. The sic basically tells the reader that the error is not ours; it’s the other person’s. 

If I were to include the following quote from my student’s essay in my own writing, this is how I would use sic:

“I use [sic] to have to wear my sisters [sic] hammy [sic] downs.”

Here’s another example using an email: 

“i [sic] am in your english [sic] class on monday [sic]. I am attaching the HW [sic] due tomorrow. Hopefully you can except [sic] it this way,[sic] if not i [sic] will also bring in a hard copy.”

You’d think I’d want to just fix their errors for them instead of calling them out. But I don’t. Grammar is where I draw the line. I want to shame my students into using proper grammar.

That’s healthier behavior, right?

Why I Can Have Any Valentine I Want

I’ve never had a cavity, and I never dangle my participles.

According to a recent survey of over five thousand people, “When judging a potential date, both men and women rate teeth at the top, followed by grammar.”

So, Jake, pick me up tonight at 8. 

Is grammar at the top of your list when judging a potential date?

 

Why I Drink

These are emails I received from my students this week: 

·        *  i pluged in my usb flsh drive and i opened the file for the
homewrk and i can't belive i repeated a question. could i turn the rght one in?

(You don’t need to conserve letters. Letters are not on the endangered species list.)

·        *  i can't make it to your class today. please email me today’s class notes. 

(Sure, let me just quickly type up notes from a three-hour class. And what’s your home address? I’ll hand deliver them.)   

·         * is 12 okay?

(Is 12 what okay? I have 80 students. A little context would be appreciated.)

AND WHY WON’T ANYONE CAPITALIZE THEIR “I’s”!

Oh no! I’m getting bitter.