My New Year's Resolution

When we think of New Year celebrations, we think of champagne and kissing and resolutions and Times Square and that horrible movie from 2011 that starred everyone famous. 

Okay, that was uncalled for. I have never even seen that movie. I just assume it was horrible because … I don’t even know why. Ugh! Why am I being so negative? 

I think I’m a little sensitive today because we associate the New Year with so many wonderful things, but we often forget about the poor apostrophe. I’ve been noticing lately that many people are leaving the apostrophe out when they write New Year’s Eve and New Year’s resolutions. 

And maybe I’m scared that with every year the apostrophe will become more and more obsolete. Remember that article from earlier this year that argued that the apostrophe was unnecessary?

So this year, I am going to make a New Year’s resolution in an effort to honor the apostrophe: 

I resolve to be a lot more possessive.

Nuts!

 

A lot is happening in the world of grammar lately. My friends have been emailing me really interesting grammar articles. Unfortunately, you will not get to learn any of the interesting grammar news in this post, and that is because I just graded an essay that contained a typo that has had me laughing like Beavis and Butthead for the past ten minutes.  Here it is: 

It was considered sac religion.

Now, all I can think about is sac religion. 

I’ve come up with some of the commandments: 

1. Thou shalt not kick.

2. Thou shalt not enter cold water.

3. Thou shalt not wear blue.

4. Thou shalt not listen to Tchaikovsky.

Help me. I need ten.

This Is Some Highbrow Sh*t

This toilet automatically lifts its lid when you approach. When you're finished, it gently blasts your bottom with warm water and proceeds to air dry your tush. It also self-flushes, self-cleans and deodorizes the air. And if you have $5,000 lying around, you should totally buy it for someone for Christmas. But if you don't have $5,000 lying around but you want to get your loved ones something bathroom related but highbrow, you should buy them this book: 

 

A handful of my friends have contributed to this anthology, and these friends are crazy talented writers. 

So here is the link if you want to read some really good shit!

Say No to Drug

It’s so embarrassing, but I have always been such a goody two-shoes. I repeatedly received Citizen of the Month awards throughout elementary school, I only ditched class once in high school, and only missed on class in college because I was sick. I’ve never shoplifted. I’ve never had a meltdown that resulted in a shaved head.  I’ve never even twerked (but that’s really because my tush can’t move like that). I also never got into drugs— and for that, I have to credit Francine Pascal, the author of the Sweet Valley High books.

It was book #40. Regina Morrow was devastated by a break-up and started to hang around with the wrong crowd. She went to a party and did coke for the first time. And guess what happened? She died of an overdose. That’s right … she DIED!

I DON’T WANT TO DIE! 

So, you know, I say no to drugs.

And that’s why I don’t feel like a hypocrite when I tell all of you to say not to “drug.” It is not the past tense of “drag.” “Dragged” is the past tense of “drag.” 

 Stay away from "drug"!

PUNKtuation Marks

My second grammar cartoon!

Whose Day Is It?

What are you guys doing on Monday? I know what I am NOT doing. I am not going to the bank, receiving mail or going to work. But why?  

A. Am I celebrating a day that belongs to only one veteran?

B. Am I celebrating a day that belongs to more than one veteran?

 

C. Am I celebrating a day that doesn’t technically “belong” to veterans?

 

According to a government website, the answer is C. And this is why: 

“Veterans Day does not include an apostrophe but does include an ‘s’ at the end of ‘veterans’ because it is not a day that ‘belongs’ to veterans, it is a day for honoring all veterans.”

 

I like the government’s explanation. I believe the country should honor all its veterans. (I also believe there should be a semicolon between “veterans” and “it is” instead of a comma.) 

However, now all I can think about is that apostrophe in Saint Valentine’s Day. Anyone know where I can get a name change form? And how I can become a saint?