Monday, November 21, 2011

I'm Not a Monster

When we were little, my mom took my sister Maggie and me to a bakery. She purchased one cookie, and I guess since I was the oldest, she gave me the responsibility of splitting it in half so my sister and I could share it.

The one cookie belonged to both my sister and me, so we would express this as:

Maggie and Jenny’s cookie

(When both parties possess the same item, we only add ’s to the possessor closest to the item.)

Since my mom entrusted me with the sacred duty of splitting the cookie, I broke the cookie in half and placed the cookie halves back-to-back to carefully measure them. Then, I gave my little sister the smaller portion.

Since my little sis and I now possessed our own individual cookie portions, we would express that as:

Maggie’s and Jenny’s cookie portions

My mom apparently witnessed the entire transaction and punished me for my selfishness by taking away my piece of cookie.

Before you judge me and applaud my mother, you have to understand the dietary environment in which I was raised. You see, my mom was an aerobics instructor and fitness guru. Richard Simmons actually held me when I was an infant so my mom could procure greens from the salad bar in his restaurant. I was raised on Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat (not the frosted kind). I was allowed only one piece of Halloween candy. Imagine: the most important decision of my childhood was whether my one piece of candy for the year would be a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or a mini Snickers bar. So, excuse me, if I wanted the big half of the cookie.

Did I mention it was a frickin’ OATMEAL cookie?


See for yourself. Here's a link to my mom's nutrition blog.

20 comments:

Dylan Fitzgerald said...

I've always wondered about the possessive in this case... excellent clarification!

Also, it sounds like you need a batch of peanut butter cookies immediately to heal old traumas. Did I mention they're peanut butter cookies with a Reese's peanut butter cup ON TOP? (Sometimes gilding the lily is, in fact, absolutely necessary.)

Shelly said...

The way we always had to do it was one would split it and the other would get to choose the piece. I think I'm going to use this lesson, next week, if you don't mind. Cookies are something 8th graders can relate to.

Tonja said...

I don't remember sharing a cookie. Must have blocked it out. Very helpful grammar information.

Jo-Ann said...

I feel your pain. I had a health food crazed mother, too.
Unsweetened carob might look like chocolate, but the similarity ends there. It tastes and feels like chalk n the mouth.
Soy based ice cream in the 70's was like a brick.
Irk! I think I'll go eat some double choc chip "proper" icecream.
Thanks for the grammar tip,too

keppi baranick said...

Your mother is eternally sorry for being such a nut. I'm off to purchase you and Maggie pounds of Sees Chocolate-creams, nuts, caramel, milk and dark chocolate and a special chocolate Santa. I am eternally in love with you.

James Garcia Jr said...

My dear pal, Jenny.
I had two thoughts. The first was how when I meet you face to face, I would definitely need to be armed with cookies, candy or a combination of both. Beyond that, my mind was looking for something witty to write.
Then I read mom's sweet comment.

Now I've got nothing... *reaches for tissue*

-Jimmy

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

Hey, thanks! This was helpful. It also eased my mind. Some years after my girlfriend and I created our self-published book, I began to wonder if the title I had given it was grammatically incorrect:

"CALAMITY CAT AND BLACK COLE KID'S UNCOMPLICATED GUIDE TO WESTERN MOVIES FOR THE SIMPLE-MINDED COWPERSON"

According to your post here, I got it right. Cool! (I was afraid perhaps I'd made myself appear to be an even bigger idiot than I actually am.)

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

DWei said...

I feel so sorry for you. I hope you spoiled yourself as you got older.

Shannon said...

Yup, this was a helpful post. I often do this incorrectly.

I also eat WAY more than one piece of Halloween candy a day...all year long. ;)

notesfromnadir said...

Wow, I'm in shock about that single piece of Halloween candy. Hope it was a jumbo sized Snickers bar! :)

Deniz Bevan said...

Eek! You poor dear! Sending you some virtual oatmeal *chocolate chip* cookies... Hey, I *like* oatmeal :-)

Len Lambert said...

So sorry about this. I wish I could send you Reese's chocolates..they are my favourites!

Liz said...

Did the cookie at least have raisins?

Otter said...

Reeses peanut butter cups or mini snickers? That is a choice I could not make. Do you think shed have let you have a bite of each? LOL

Jaya J said...

oh wow. thats why you are like super-slim :) totally can't resist Reeses peanut butter cups !

Shutterbug said...

homemade oatmeal cookies are the best!

Naina Gupta said...

Funny post. Loved it.

anthony stemke said...

I love oatmeal cookies, but you should have offered your sister to choose which half. After all she lived under the same conditions as you
(Good Lord, how does one choose between Reese's and Snicker's)?

Regardless,speaking of possessive, You posess great story-telling ability.

Thank You.

the late phoenix said...

post title: reminded me of that famous seinfeld scene

i'm feeling too possessive of someone at the moment, so this post really hit home

i experienced grape nuts the opposite way, i never had it forced upon me as a kid, so as an adult, i love it now, grape nuts hot from the microwave with a little brown sugar...

your mom is famous, too! awesome

hey, stop by my blog place for a little surprise i know you'll enjoy ;)

Glynis said...

Brilliant post. Shame you lost out on the cookie!