Friday, July 23, 2010

Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor

If it’s true that Eskimos have over one hundred words for snow because of the prominent role snow plays in their lives, then we Americans are not as far along with gender equality as I would like to think. Check out at all of the words we have for penis (ala George Carlin):

aaron's rod
baby-maker
beef
blue vein meatroll
bald-headed butler
bald-headed mouse
belly buster
bathtub eel
bearded blood sausage
bird bone
baloney
banana
bat
bayonet
bean tosser
blade
broomstick
bum tickler
bush beater
cock
carrot
crack haunter
cranny hunter
cracksman
creamstick
culty gun
carnal stump
child-getter
dick
dork
dong
doniker
dingus
dipstick
dagger
dart of love
dearest member
dickey
ding-dong
dinger
dingle-dangle
dummy
dodaddy
dolly
dooflicker
down-leg
dragon
eel
family organ
fiddle bow
fish
fishing rod
flapper
fool-sticker
forefinger
foreman
gun
gut wrench
giggle stick
gadget
gardener
giggling pin
gooser
gravy maker
grinding tool
gristle
gut stick
hair splitter
hambone
hammer
hanging johnny
hoe
handle
holy poker
horn
hose
hot rod
heat-seeking moisture missle
hairy hot dog
jack in the box
jemson
jerking iron
jigger
jing hang
jockam
johnnie
johhny one-eye, the bald-headed champ
johnson
joy knob
joy stick
kidney cracker
kielbasa
knob
knocker
ladies' lollipop
lamp of life
lance
life preserver
little brother
little willie
liver turner
live sausage
lizard
lob
lobcock
lobster of love
lollypop
long john
love dart
love gun
magic wand
man-root
marrow bone
master john thursday
master of ceremonies
meat
meat hook
meat whistle
member
merry maker
middle leg
milkman
mister goodwrench
mister tom
mouse
natural scythe
nimrod
noodle
noony
old blind rob
one-eyed night crawler in the turtle neck sweater
one-eyed milkman
one-eyed trouser trout
one-eyed wonder worm
pant muscle
pecker
pee-pee
peter
pike staff
pile driver
pin
pink
pencil
pipe
pisser
pistol
plugtail
pocket piccolo
pocket rocket
pointer
poker
pole
pork
pork sword
post
prick
pride and joy
prong
pud
pudding
pump handle
purple-helmeted warrior of love
pup
putz
quickening peg
quimstake
ram
ramrod
rawmeat
reamer
redcap
rod
rod of love
rolling pin
root rudder
rupert russell the wonder muscle
st. peter
salami
sausage
sceptre
schlong
sexing piece
shaft
shmock
short arm
shove devil
shvontz
silent flute
skin flute
snake
spigot
spindle
split-rump
spout
staff
steaming hot kanga
stump
sugar stick
tally-whacker
tassel
tent-peg
thing
third leg
throbber
throbbing python of love
tickle-gizzard
tickler
tong
tool
torch of cupid
toy
trap-stick
trouser snake
tube steak
uncle dick
vomiting cobra
wand
wang
wazoo
weapon
wedge
wheenie
wacker
whip
whistle
whore-pipe
wick
willie
winkle
wire
womb ferret
womb weasel
worm
yang
yard
yosh
zubrick

Call me a romantic, but I am partial to torch of cupid.

Our tendency to create multiple words to capture the nuances of society’s treasures does shed some light on something that has baffled me for a while: why we need different words to indicate quantity.

Accumulating possessions does mean almost as much to Americans as does the penis, so I guess it makes sense that we are very specific when talking about quantities.

We use the word number to refer to the quantity of something when it can be counted individually:

The number of words Americans have for penis may outnumber the number of words Eskimos have for snow.

(Words can be counted individually.)

We use the word amount when referring to the quantity of something that can't be counted individually:

Each penis must have the same amount of individuality as a snowflake.

(Individuality can't be counted.)

And since we have such anxiety about losing possessions, we also have different words to indicate when we don't have as much of something.


We use less when we refer to not having as much of something that can't be counted individually. And we use fewer when we don't have as much of something that can be counted individually:

Watch this funny clip from Flight of the Conchords and your day at work will be less crappy. Spoiler alert: Bret and Jemaine would like fewer dicks on the dancefloor.



19 comments:

Laura said...

ahahah wow.. that is alot of names for a penis. never realized there was THAT many!

James Garcia Jr said...

At first glance, my thought-process was: "What?"
It then dawned on me that this was "Missed Periods", the master of taking us down one pathway, only to take us somewhere else entirely, seemingly unrelated. My Pastor is like that, although I don't think I'll be hearing this particular sermon this coming Sunday.

Yeah, I know. I was going to choose another word... Let's ignore it, shall we? ;)

Boonsong said...

This is very clever. Thanks.

All the best, Boonsong

Miriam S. Forster said...

Bwahaha! I heard a morning radio program several years ago where the DJ pointed out all the Eskimo words for snow and then asked "What do we have lots of words for?"

He then started listing all the words for breast he could think of. He was still listing when I changed stations. Such a weird culture we have...

DL Hammons said...

You left off the OSCAR MEYER (footlong).

:)

Wendy Ramer said...

I had no idea. Hey, can I use this list as a thesaurus? And why isn't there a synonym for thesaurus?

Theresa Milstein said...

Very enlightening post!

When I went to my children's school Science Fair, someone had a poster about pot. I'm not sure what "research" was done. There was an essay on the dangers of smoking and a long list of the various names for marijuana.
I think is this list is longer.

I love Flight of the Conchords.

keppi baranick said...

Jen, you are simply brilliant and wonderful. You have made my day.

notesfromnadir said...

Wow, I can't believe there are some of those that I haven't heard of, so thanks for the list! Wonder what those Eskimos would thing of the list?

Mary McDonald said...

Love the name of your blog, and this post cracked me up. lol. I confess, most of the names were new to me. Dork? I thought was a goofy person.

DEZMOND said...

torch of cupid was the one I've noticed too while reading your list :))) We must have the same taste, since we are colleagues after all ;)

pal shazar said...

Each penis must have the same amount of individuality as a snowflake. so funny. conchords rule. especially the one with the glasses.

Talli Roland said...

That was hilarious! I was scrolling and thinking: when will this end? I can't say I'm surprised, though.

Rick said...

You should add Mel Gibson to that list, because that guy is a real d*ck.

Stephen Tremp said...

I thought I was reading a script for an Austin Powers movie LOL!

Stephen Tremp

Culture Served Raw said...

None of those are sexy! "torch of Cupid" is quite amusing though!

Christiejolu said...

I like womb weasel....LOL!

kathryn said...

George Carlin had a knack for finding just the right words, didn't he?

I do believe that there's so many words for penis because it's a guy part. I mean, seriously...how many different ways do us gals describe *our* private parts? (We don't snicker as much, either!)

Invisible Work said...

Jenny - You are hilarious. Although I want to post these on my FB page and tweet about them, I'm just a tad too bashful. Thought I might let you know that I recently have decided you are my grammar muse.

K