Out of the Closet

I was picking up some take-out Chinese food for dinner, and the guy told me that it would take about fifteen minutes. So, to pass the time, I headed over to the Ross Dress for Less a few doors down to browse. I started flipping through the dresses, and I came upon this really cute one. It was kind of a 1940s silhouette made from a pretty nice material. I flipped over the price tag, because that’s the first thing I always do, and I couldn’t believe my eyes: 49 cents. A super cute dress for 49 cents! Of course, I bought it. When I got home, I bragged to my husband about my fabulous find and he was less than thrilled. “But, it was only 49 cents,” I explained. “It’s not the money,” he said. “There’s no room in the closet!”

He’s totally right; there is no room in the closet. I have so many clothes. I love buying clothes. I love receiving clothes. I just love clothes. I love them so much it’s hard for me to get rid of them. I try cleaning out my closet, but it’s usually not all that cleansing. (But overalls might come back into style. But I wore that on our first date. I might contract mono and lose five pounds and fit into those again. I should save that dress for the daughter I don’t have). I know that my hoarding is completely counter-productive. When I do clean out my closet (or try to), I always rediscover awesome clothes I forgot I had because they were sandwiched between an unworn t-shirt I won two years ago at a work raffle and a faded black top.

As much as I love clothes, I love the written word. I love reading, I love writing, I love words. However, unlike clothes from my closet, I relish cutting superfluous words out of my and my students’ writing. It’s so satisfying to clean out sentences. It makes the writing so much stronger and the really great words stand out so much more. So, imagine my excitement when I ran across this sentence while grading:

The reason why pot should be legal is because we can tax it and raise money.

(Sure, that’s why she wants it to be legal.)

This sentence is so exciting because there are at least two words I can cut.

The definition of why is the reason for, so I don’t need both reason and why. Let’s cut why, leaving us with:

The reason pot should be legal is because we can tax it and raise money.

But, because also means the reason for, so again I am doubling up on the word reason. You know what that means? We also get to cut because:

The reason pot should be legal is we can tax it and raise money.

Or, we can cut reason and keep because:

Pot should be legal because we can tax it and raise money.

Or, we can cut the crap and be honest:

Pot should be legal because then I wouldn’t have to rely on my dodgy dealer.

More blogs I have been enjoying:

Georgina Dollface: Her writing is both hilarious and beautiful.

Substitute Teacher's Saga: This is an amazingly funny post about family.

Wendy Ramer- On 'n On 'n On: For some reason I can't link directly to the post, but her June 24 post nails the torment of bathing suit shopping.

Wonder Twin Powers Activate

I was listening to the news yesterday, and the person the newscaster was interviewing said, "America as a nation needs to turn its focus to fixing the environment."

Isn't that ridiculous? Not the part about America fixing the environment, I agree with that. But, isn't it ridiculous that she said, "America as a nation..."

As opposed to what? America as a country line dancer? America as a dinner roll?

Australia may be able to get away with "Australia, as a nation..." because it's a nation and a continent (I think- don't quote me on that). But, America is a nation. That's all it is. By definition.
I have the same problem when people say or write something like

We as human beings should be more giving.

Am I missing something? Am I surrounded by beings who can sometimes act as humans and sometimes act as something else?

I would be so jealous if some people had the same powers as the Super Twins and could shapeshift.

We as human beings have a hard time fighting evil super villains, but as buckets of water and eagles, we kick ass.

I would totally take the form of Johnny Depp's pillow.

I Have Seen Oprah and You, My Friend, Are No Oprah

Actually, that’s not entirely true: I’ve never seen a full episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show. That’s not to say I have anything against Oprah; I’m just usually working when it’s on and I don’t have TiVo. But, that’s also not to say that I have not been affected firsthand by the Oprah Effect.

One day at the gym, I got on the elliptical to do my hour (which I always rationalize into a half hour) just as Oprah was ending. She dedicated the last five minutes of her show to raving about this novel that blew her mind. She said, "It's so engaging, so gripping, so epic, that I wanted absolutely everybody to share the joy of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle." And after that, apparently I wanted to share in her joy because, based solely on Oprah’s endorsement, I am the proud owner of a copy of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle- and I also bought one for a friend.

Oprah doesn’t have opinions. As soon as words leave her mouth, they become fact. If something makes Oprah’s favorites list, then it is unquestionably awesome. If she thinks that a strange, bald man should dictate the state of the nation’s mental health, then he will.

We, however, are not Oprah. Our opinions are simply opinions. Because our opinions are opinions, there are certain words we can eliminate from our writing.

For example, imagine you wrote to me

In my opinion, this book is wonderful.

I know that the book’s wonderfulness is your opinion. You’re not Oprah; just because you say something is wonderful doesn’t make it so. Therefore, you can eliminate the words in my opinion from your sentence and just write

This book is wonderful.

We can, therefore, also eliminate the words I think from our sentences.

I think these Rachel Pally sailor pants are awesome.

I know it’s what you think. You’re the one writing this, aren’t you? Just write

These Rachel Pally sailor pants are awesome.

I'll make up my mind about what I think of them.

What’s that? The sailor pants were on a list of Oprah’s favorite things? Oh, sorry, it’s official; they are awesome.

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

Oooooh! Brad and Angelina are back in love. Aaaaaaah! The Kardashians are trading happiness for fame. Eeeeeeeeeh! Kelly looks amazing! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Tabloids are my porn. I read my People tucked inside a New Yorker, and if someone finds an In Touch in my room, I get all defensive: “Oh, um, that’s not mine. My friend must have left it here.”

You see, I was an English major and now I'm an English teacher, so I've got a rep to protect- that I read about Elizabeth Bennet, not Elizabeth Hurley.

But, celebrity gossip is this weird addiction that I wish I could stop. It’s not because I feel like I should be keeping up with things more important than the Kardashians; it’s because now when I watch a movie or I listen to a song, I can’t separate it from the artist. I can’t just rock out in my car to "Toxic;" I find myself worrying about Britney’s mental stability. While watching He’s Just Not That Into You, I can’t separate Jennifer Aniston’s character’s plight to find a husband from Jennifer’s own plight. And, ever since Oprah, Tom Cruise is 100% ruined for me.

Oh, why Tom Cruise did you have to turn out so creepy? Why can’t it just be the way it was back in the 80’s when you were quietly hot and rugged:

But, I guess celebrities are people; we just make them out to be more than they really are.

We also do that with the word nowadays; we make more out of it than it actually is.

People are writing nowadays as three words, like this: now a days, but it’s really just one word.

But, before you simply correct yourself and write nowadays as one word, hear me out. I feel the same way about the word nowadays as I feel about John Mayer.

First of all, I am totally sick of reading about him in the tabloids. And not only has his recent Playboy interview confirmed him as a narcissistic dumbass, but was "Waiting for the World to Change" really even that great of a song? Honestly, I'd be fine without him or his music.
Similarly, I could do without nowadays.

First of all, it makes our writing sound a little folksy.

And second of all, it’s unnecessary. For example, let’s take away the nowadays away from this sentence:

Nowadays, John Mayer seems to love the sound of his own voice.

It leaves us with this:

John Mayer seems to love the sound of his own voice.

And since the sentence is in the present tense, we know that we are talking about nowadays, so we can just eliminate it, right?

And, speaking of eliminating things we don’t need: would you like to add anything to the list?