Well...I Guess I Can Complain

Chief Visionary Officer of Collegiate EmPowerment, Anthony D’ Angelo said, “If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”

The problem is that I actually don’t have time today. I’ve got new syllabi to write, two work meetings, a speech to write for my best friend’s wedding, a yoga class, and I haven’t even unpacked from my weekend getaway.

So instead of taking the time to do something about poor grammar—like offer a lesson—I am just going to complain about it. (And let’s face it: it wouldn’t be the first time.)

The other day I was looking for studies to prove my theory that reading improves writing. I came upon a website that offered this gem:

Reading and writing are interrelated. Reading can improve grammer and vocabulary. Reading extensively can improve your grammer more that listening is able to do. It improves vocabulary and increases the likelyhood of using new words in speech and in writing. Reading also provides examples of new expressions, phrases and idioms that the reader can use.

(I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the errors.)

To the credit of whoever wrote this, he or she never said reading can improve spelling.

Little Miss Can Be Wrong

I should be ashamed of myself. I am currently experiencing schadenfreude. Yes, I am totally delighting in others’ misfortune. To make matters worse, I am delighting in the misfortune of my students. And to make matters even worse, I am delighting in their grammatical misfortunes.

I don’t typically delight in my students’ grammatical errors. That would be like Jillian Michaels delighting in weight gain or Tim Gunn delighting in awkward dress proportions.

But this error is awesome. In my six years of teaching this stuff, it’s the first time I have seen it. Not only that, it has already appeared in three different students’ essays. My friends, I may have discovered the newest in grammar error trends.

Are you ready? Here you go:

This conflict was due to a miss understanding.

The arguments made in the article were miss leading.

It was based on a miss interpretation of the material.

The reason I love this error so much is it reminds me of the Little Miss book series I loved as a child:




My students’ errors inspired me to think about creating a more adult Little Miss series.

For example, Little Miss Interpretation would be that one friend that always over analyzes everything. Little Miss Judgment would be the critical, bitchy one. Little Miss Taken would be the serial monogamist.

Who would you add to the adult Little Miss series?

Can't Win 'Em All

Rocky, Karate Kid, Jerry Maguire, The Comebacks, The Blind Side: I’m a sucker for a sports movie with an inspirational montage showing the athlete, after a long struggle, finally getting their groove. Stallone making it up the gigantic flight of stairs, Macchio finally nailing those kicks, Cuba scoring touchdown after touchdown- you just know that when it comes to the big match or game they are going to win.

Well, what if they didn’t? What if after all that dedication and hard work they lost?

That’s kind of how I feel at the end of every quarter. After months of shedding blood, sweat, and tears to provide my students with winning writing skills, I find these sentences in my students’ FINAL essays- the essays that should showcase all the wonderful skills they acquired:

The 1980’s is what made the 1980’s so different from other decades.

I would love to be able to experience this eventful event.

There are still many stuff we can’t explain.

T-shits can be very expensive.

You don’t realize it until you actually realize it.

Is it too early to have a drink?

Dedicated to Hula Buns who wrote, “I want to know how many made up words you see in your students' papers? I would love to hear some of the things they come up with.” There aren’t many made up words, but they do come up with some pretty crazy sh.. things.

Lemonade, That Cool Refreshing Drink

Reba McEntire: "Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep, then I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn't go on without you. But oh this sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark. I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart."

Rascal Flatts: "What hurts the most, was being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away."

Brad Paisley: "He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger, and finally drank away her memory. Life is short but this time it was bigger than the strength he had to get up off his knees."

Let’s face it: country singers have mastered the art of making lemonade when life hands them lemons. Look at those lyrics: they take the saddest that life has to offer and create songs that, in many cases, make them millions of dollars. I believe this is Tim McGraw’s house:

Lesson learned. Instead of simply getting depressed by the silly errors my students continue to make no matter how many times I plead with them to PROOFREAD, I have decided to get creative.

Here’s my first glass of lemonade, if you will:

After reading an essay in which the student continually wrote pubic instead of public, I was inspired to create a new word: PUBICITY.

Pubicity is a more specific form of publicity. It is when someone uses his or her pubic area to get attention. One of the most extreme forms of pubicity, creating a sex tape and leaking it on the Internet, was used expertly by such greats as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Britney Spears received pubicity back in 2007 when her sloppy departure from a limo revealed that she neglected to wear panties under a short skirt. The most common form of pubicity is wearing clothing that reveals or almost reveals the pubic area. Here are a couple examples:

In the picture below, I can't tell: is that pubicity in Jon Hamm's pocket or is he just happy to see me?

On Broadway

I love New York. I know it’s cliché, but it really does have an energy that I haven’t experienced in any other city. Last Labor Day we visited some friends there and had a blast. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking a lot about going back. That and the fact that they have a new Broadway show that sounds very intriguing. I found out about it while grading an essay from a student who just went to New York. She wrote that one of her favorite parts of the trip was seeing The Loin King.

I love Broadway shows, and with the trend of casting celebrities as leads, I am excited about who will play the role of the loin king. I vote for Clive Owen or Johnny Depp. The loin princes could be played by Gael Garcia Bernal, James Franco and Eric Bana.

I hope this will be the costume:

I had better start saving up for front row seats.

Worst of Times and Best of Times

While most are going back to school shortly, the quarter at my college is wrapping up. Part of me really hates the end of the quarter. The beginning of the quarter holds so much promise: the students are wide-eyed and eager to learn and I am excited about my role in making America a place where essays are organized and error-free. By the end of the quarter, the students look stoned and I have to accept that, once again, I have failed in making a significant impact on America’s written expression. This morning I almost asked the woman at Peet's Coffee if they were hiring.

The end of the quarter, however, is also very amusing. Many of the classes require the students to do final presentations, for which the students are required to dress up professionally. The awesome part is that many of the students interpret professionally as Julia Robert's profession in Pretty Woman. I’ve seen everything from sequins to mini-dresses to sequined mini-dresses.

Many of the instructors express disdain for the students’ lack of understanding what it means to be professional, but I think it’s kind of cute. They’re young. They’ll eventually learn that it’s not proper etiquette to attend a work meeting dressed as a Kardashian. Right? Right???

Another place they show their lack of etiquette is when referring to others in their writing. This, too, always makes me laugh. For example, I assigned my Critical Thinking class an essay in which they were to respond to an article by Salman Rushdie, and I got a lot of this:

Salman said, “….”

I don’t agree with Salman because….

Really, Guys, you are on first name basis with Salman Rushdie? The author who not only won the Booker Prize and was appointed Knight Bachelor by Queen Elizabeth II for "services to literature,” but was forced to live in exile after Satanic Verses prompted the Iranian government to call for Salman Rushdie’s execution. If my students ran into him, they would probably say, “Hey, Salman, I heard you were once married to Padma.”

When referring to other people in our writing, we should use their last names:

Rushdie was married to Lakshmi.

We can also use their full names:

Salman Rushdie was married to Padma Lakshmi.

Especially when the last name isn't enough to clearly identify whom the writer is referring to:

I can’t believe what Kardashian was wearing.

It really could be any Kardashian, right?

In situations like this, we use the full name:

In this case, my sentence would be:

I can’t believe what Kim Kardashian was wearing.

And this is why:

Pick Your Battles Wisely

I came home from work the other night, went straight to the fridge to finish off a bottle of this really good New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc I discovered at Trader Joe’s, only to find that my husband had left the refrigerator door slightly ajar. (It’s okay- the wine was fine.)

So, I shut the fridge door, poured my wine, and got on with my night.

The reason I didn’t say anything to my husband was not to avoid confrontation; it was a matter of picking the battles that will actually make a difference. I thought about saying something to him like, “Hey, Honey, you know you left the fridge open,” but I stopped myself because he never leaves the fridge door open; this was an anomaly. It’s not like how he constantly…oh never mind, I don’t want to air my dirty laundry on this grammar blog.

I apply the same philosophy when I’m grading. If I am grading an essay in which the student uses their instead of there once but uses it correctly the rest of the time, I am not going to mark it. Everybody makes mistakes. I am only going to bring the mistakes to my students’ attention if I feel like the students don’t know better.

So, a while ago, a student used the word choosen instead of chosen. No big deal. Anyone can make a mistake. Then, it happened again. And then I began noticing it popping up in other students’ essays. And it just happened again today, so I can’t keep silent any longer: CHOOSEN IS NOT A WORD!

(And, Honey, STOP PICKING THE FOOD OUT OF THE PAN WHILE I’M STILL COOKING!)

Anything Else I Should Know About?

I like to think of myself as an informed citizen.

I stay informed about the wars that take place in strange, foreign lands:


I keep abreast of who has lost the vote:

I even follow treaty negotiations:

So, how did this news get past my radar?

All of a sudden, I see this kid on the cover of People magazine, and I’m like, “Who is this guy?” Well, according to People, he’s the biggest pop star in the world. How did I miss this?

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. This has been happening to me a lot lately. For example, I have been teaching English for quite a while, and I thought I was aware of the most common errors: using it’s when it should be its or vice versa, inserting a comma before every and, misspelling definitely as definately, which then gets auto corrected to defiantly. But, within the past month, there have been new errors popping up all over my students’ essays and emails.

First new error: writing posses instead of possess.

These are posses:

Possess, on the other hand, means to own something.

Remember that possess owns an extra s.

Second new error: Choosen

Apparently, people are curious to see what the offspring of choose and chosen would look like. Well, it’s like the baby with the dog’s face I saw on the cover of the Enquirer when I was little: it doesn't really exist.

Choosen is not a word.

I do, however, wish that the dog baby was real. It was hilarious.