Keanu Forever

What I am about to tell you will most likely cause you to lose respect for me.

I harbor an unconditional love for Keanu Reeves. He could make one hundred Sweet Novembers and Lake Houses or a Matrix Regurgitated, and my allegiance wouldn’t wane.

This love affair started in 1988 when I saw a little movie called Permanent Record on cable. At some point in the movie, the camera zoomed in on this punim:

And that was it for me.

Then, three years later, I experienced this scene from Point Break:

To my teenage self, this was the epitome of romance: lying on the bare chest of a gorgeous, pensive man who has great biceps.

So here’s the part where if you haven’t lost respect for me already you might now. The other day, I was lying on the chest of my husband (who happens to be quite gorgeous and have nice biceps), and I thought to myself, “Wow. I’m totally living my Point Break fantasy.”

After that, I have pretty much been letting myself go. I quit my job. I stopped writing. I stopped showering. I mean, I pretty much peaked, right?

Point Break is obviously very special to me, so I am not thrilled about the fact that they are planning on remaking it. Nor am I terribly thrilled about the recent Footloose remake or the proposed Dirty Dancing remake.

Is nothing sacred? Who else besides Keanu Reeves can deliver lines like "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta' go down" or "You gonna jump or jerk off?"

Surely there are plenty of talented screenwriters out there who can write NEW movies.

And along the same lines, why have we chosen to remake words when there are so many new ones out there?

Why must we have two other words that sound exactly like there ? Why must the present and past form of read be the same? The word set has 464 definitions. Don’t you think we could have come up with some new words to bear some of set’s burden?

And I know there are new words out there because I see them every time I am required to use the word verification option. We should just steal the word verification letter combinations and use them to make the English language less confusing.

For example, people commonly confuse the words weather and whether. I say we keep whether and change weather to the word verification letter combination I recently encountered, reanthor. It almost contains the word rain and it does contain the word thor. Perfect!

Any other pressing problems you need me to solve? The high unemployment rate?

Wait...do I mean that the unemployment rate is high, or am I referring to the unemployment rate of those who are stoned? Good question. In this case, I am referring to the latter. Let me just reach into my bag of word verification letter combos to find a word to take high's place.

How about flikst?

Fancy a Quickie?

I am aware that there is a time and a place for a quickie, but overall don’t you think that the experience and the result are more satisfying when we take our time?

And I’m not just talking about you know; I’m talking about the way we go about things in general.

On the one hand, we do seem to value the idea of taking our time with sayings like “stop and smell the roses” and fables like “The Tortoise and the Hare.” But on the other hand, we are a culture of multi-tasking, microwave dinners and George Clooney’s relationships.

Many of my students think they are “bad” writers because it takes them a long time to write an essay. I tell them that good writing usually does take a long time. Snooki’s bestselling book wasn’t built in a day, I reassure them. In fact, one of my favorite sayings about writing, which I include on my syllabus, is this one from Enrique Jardiel Poncela: “When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.”

There’s the brainstorming of the essay, the organizing of ideas, the first draft, the proofreading, the looking up of grammar rules you’re unsure about (I know, and Snooki actually wrote her book), the final draft, the proofreading, the having someone else proofread it, the next revision, and then the having it notarized and emblazoned with the family crest.

So I feel like such a hypocrite when I give my class an in-class essay. I am, aren’t I? Should I nix the in-class exams? Or is there a place for timed writing?

Extra! Extra! Read All About Me and My Grammar Crusade!

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Grammar lady spikes her lessons with humor | grammar, people, students - Life - The Orange County Register

How Many People Have You Slept With?

When I was little, I was so accurate with numbers. When someone would ask my age, I would answer, “I’m five and three quarters and seven days and…” I would stall as I checked my Smurfette watch,” three hours.” Ask me today, and I’d say 29—the same age I have been claiming for the past five years. I think it’s fair to say that as we get older we start manipulating numbers to suit our needs.

• Boyfriend: How many guys have you been with?

Girlfriend: Quite a few more than the number I am about to give you.

• Girl: How tall are you?

Boy: I’m five el…I mean, six feet.

• Driver’s License Renewal Form Question: Weight?

Me: The number I am going to weigh after I finish the diet I will be starting tomorrow.

Although I partially blame this numbers-gone-wild attitude for our confusion regarding how to express numbers when we write, the main reason many of us get confused about when to actually spell out the number or when to use the symbol is because there’s really no accepted industry consensus. Some writing style guides require us to spell out the number if it can be expressed in two words or fewer (twenty-nine, seven, one hundred). Others require us to only spell out the numbers less than 10 (29, seven, 100). Others require us to use Roman numerals within XIV minutes of eating Italian food (XXIX, VII, C).

Because different industries and academic disciplines ascribe to different style guides, it’s probably a good idea to ask your bosses and instructors which they prefer. If you ask them and they look at you like you are crazy, then the good news is that you get to choose your own style.

I am going to choose to follow the easiest style: the one that says to only spell out numbers less than 10. I simply don’t have time for anything complicated because I’m very busy planning my next 29^th birthday.

What a Wonderful Word

I revisited the Johnny Depp movie Don Juan DeMarco on Netflix a few days ago. I saw it in the theatre when it first came out in 1994 when I was a newborn. Okay, fine, I wasn’t a newborn in 1994; I was a toddler. Okay, fine, I wasn’t a toddler either; I was nineteen. You do the math. On second thought…don’t.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Don Juan DeMarco. Have you seen it? Johnny Depp’s unbearably hot character believes he’s Don Juan DeMarco, the world’s best lover. Everyone else believes he’s delusional. One of the movie’s major themes is the question of whether or not it’s okay to live in a fantastical, delusional reality. In my opinion, the movie argues that it is, in fact, okay to create one’s own reality.

So I’m going to create my own reality. In my delusion of grandeur, I believe I owe everyone an apology. In this delusion, you have all been wondering why I didn’t post last week. You’ve been experiencing terrible grammar withdrawals. You’ve been contacting one another in a panic wondering if anyone has heard from me.

Well, you can relax now. I’m back. It’s been a crazy month because my two very best friends got married within a few weeks of each other. I have, consequently, been organizing wedding showers, bachelorette parties, strippers, and toasts.

Both weddings were beautiful, but I can’t help wishing that I could turn back time so that I could have read the article 14 More Wonderful Words With No English Equivalent before I gave my toast on Saturday. There are definitely some words I could have used that would have made me sound more worldly.

I could have, for example, said that my friend experienced koi no yokan when she first met her husband. That’s a Japanese word that means “upon first meeting a person you know that the two of you will fall in love.”

I might have been able to work in the Brazilian word cafune, which means “tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.” Although, that may have been a bit creepy.

I would have definitely said that my friend loves her husband so much that she often experiences gren-jai. That’s a Thai word that means “the feeling you get when you don’t want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them.” I have never personally experienced that feeling, but my friend is much nicer than I am.

However, as I said, the weddings were great, and the last one was especially crazy. I mean, you know it’s a good wedding when half the guests had to rhwe. That’s a Tsongan word that means “to sleep on the floor without a mat while drunk and naked.”

Well...I Guess I Can Complain

Chief Visionary Officer of Collegiate EmPowerment, Anthony D’ Angelo said, “If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”

The problem is that I actually don’t have time today. I’ve got new syllabi to write, two work meetings, a speech to write for my best friend’s wedding, a yoga class, and I haven’t even unpacked from my weekend getaway.

So instead of taking the time to do something about poor grammar—like offer a lesson—I am just going to complain about it. (And let’s face it: it wouldn’t be the first time.)

The other day I was looking for studies to prove my theory that reading improves writing. I came upon a website that offered this gem:

Reading and writing are interrelated. Reading can improve grammer and vocabulary. Reading extensively can improve your grammer more that listening is able to do. It improves vocabulary and increases the likelyhood of using new words in speech and in writing. Reading also provides examples of new expressions, phrases and idioms that the reader can use.

(I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the errors.)

To the credit of whoever wrote this, he or she never said reading can improve spelling.

Are You There, Stephenie? It's Me, Jenny.

I just realized today that I am a Twi-Hard.

I haven’t actually read any of the Twilight books. I did see the first movie once when I was flipping through cable. Is it me or was it totally creepy when Edward told Bella that he had been watching her sleep? I guess it was supposed to be romantic, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I knew that the guy I liked spent the whole evening watching me—especially in the beginning of a relationship when I’m still trying to impress him. I’d be too afraid that I would snore or drool or something.

However, despite the fact that I’ve never read the books and have issues with Edward’s stalker-like behavior, I want to call Ms. Meyer right now and beg her to write more Twilight books. It was only during the height of Twilight’s popularity that I remember seeing my students walking around with their noses in a book like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

I just read in the news that SAT reading scores hit a 40-year low. But if young adults would read more, not only would their SAT scores improve, so would their grammar. Sure, I can teach them the grammar rules and have them practice by applying them to their own writing, but if they aren’t consistently exposed to grammatically sound writing, they probably won’t retain them.

The problem is that a lot of my students claim to HATE reading. My brain—the brain of someone whose only trophy is from a third grade read-a-thon— doesn’t quite comprehend that statement. It’s like when someone tells me they don’t like chocolate: I don’t believe them. I think they are just saying that because they’re on a diet and don’t want to admit it.

Is it really possible to hate reading?

Is it possible to hate chocolate?

What book would you challenge a self-proclaimed reading hater with?

P.S. Kelly Polark recently started a very cool blog that promotes literacy by letting us know what celebs are reading.