Saturday, August 3, 2013

My Own Private Hell



Did you hear about the guy in Florida who woke up with amnesia and spoke only Swedish? A similar thing happened to me last week. I don’t think it was amnesia, but a foreign language did spontaneously flow from my mouth: Starbucksish.
If we do create our own versions of heaven, mine would be a coffee shop with great coffee and the perfect atmosphere. Therefore, Starbucks—with its mediocre coffee and corporate feel—is pretty much my version of hell. Of course, I am a total hypocrite and go there all the time because it’s two seconds from my house, but since my first visit, I have staged my own little rebellion: I refuse to speak their language. 

However, the other day I walked up to the counter and out popped “can I please get a double tall soy latte” instead of my usual “can I get a small latte with soy milk and an extra shot of espresso.” 

I have no idea what prompted this waving of the white flag. Maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit. 

Then yesterday, as I was waiting in line for a tall drip (which sounds more like a guy I used to date than a coffee), I saw this:
 

Well, I recoMMEnd this:

 
And I’ll take a small regular coffee, please.

18 comments:

Andrew Leon said...

Other than last summer when we were travelling and had no choice, I haven't been Starbucks in... longer than I can remember. Years, at least. There's a local place we go to with the best mochas EVER. They have a spicy one called an Aztec that's... happy for my mouth.

Stacy McKitrick said...

$11.95 per POUND? Yee gads! That's around $22 for the $7 Maxwell House container I purchase, which, by the way, is much better tasting than that burnt stuff Starbucks sells.

Yeah, I know that's not what you wanted me to see in your photo, but it's what I SAW!!

susie said...

I like Starbucks blond coffee. Oops, I mean Starbucks blonde. Seriously, It's quite good.

Shelly said...

I can hardly speak English, much less another language as nuanced as that.

DiscConnected said...

I recommend Dunkin' Donuts coffee...they're harder to find in AZ than they were in Philly, but the coffee is as good as I remember it.

I have a hard time ordering coffee at Starbuck's.

Chi Latte Frappa What?

Larry

The Sisterhood said...

I actually DO like Starbucks' coffee. (I know, I know: that makes me a bad person.) But I prefer my recommendations with a double-shot of 'M's.

-S

Jono said...

Mmmmm...

Theresa Milstein said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Theresa Milstein said...

Those snobby baristas.

I know, the language kills me. Can't say skim, even though it's one syllable because nonfat just rolls off the tongue. If I say it wrong, they actually correct me.

How would they feel if we spelled it frapucino?

James Garcia Jr. said...

LMAO! I'm more of a Vanilla Latte guy, on those rare occasions that I actually go to Starbucks. Usually it's only if I'm working a Saturday and I didn't have time for my own coffee at home. It's French Vanilla-flavored, by the way. Notice a trend? *raises coffee high to salute a friend I haven't visited with in a very long while* Sorry about that, by the way. I've missed you - and, no, you're not getting too old for this shit. :)
Take care, J.

-Jimmy

Kelly Polark said...

Ha ha! It irks me when store signs are grammatically incorrect or spelled wrong.

I'm not a coffee drinker, but my daughter is hooked on the non-coffee double chocolate frappaccino or something like that thanks to her grandma!

Andrew Theisen said...

You should carry around Grammar Tickets and hand them out to offenders when you see these sorts of things.

Heck, I'd buy a bunch and do it, too!

Meradeth Houston said...

I don't do Starbucks coffee, but if it's anything like their hot chocolate, I think I'll pass :) Love your picture--totally cracked me up!

the late phoenix said...

is it Starbucksish or Starbuckish? ha, tall drip! y'know, i've never heard of that term over there before because i've never once ordered a regular ol' cup of joe there, i guess i always feel compelled to order as complicated and as grande as possible. a blogger friend of mine works at the Bux, as the cool kids call it.

Nas said...

Lol! We don't have Starbucks!

Mary Mary said...

That's pretty funny! I've had moments like those when I see something misspelled and the first thing I do is turn to my husband and say, "What it should say, or how it should be spelled is..." It's kind of hard not to do when you're a writer!

anthony stemke said...

Very funny post per usual.
Their coffee is good but their prices are off-putting.
They seem to have their own language and recommend is not in it.
Reminds me of the daycare centre that folded after a couple of weeks; I think their advert sign contributed to it: "Large child's playground". Parents were afraid their own kids would be abused there. However, if they knew grammar better they could have omitted the possessive apostrophe and perhaps attracted a few customers.
Take care MP.

Lorena said...

Ah, the world of Starbucks...

When I was taking a Flash class in my local community college, one of my projects was a video tutorial on how to order a coffee at Starbucks. (I personally think they should use it on their website!)