I was devastated. I would come home from school, lock myself in my room, listen to my U2 Joshua Tree cassette tape over and over again, and ask myself why Chris still hadn’t found what he was looking for in me. Was it my bangs? Were they not big enough? Was it my jeans? Were they not acid-washed enough?
I was so depressed even my teachers noticed.
If I could turn back time, I would have handled things a bit differently. Instead of suffering, I would have made Chris suffer.
In fact, I would have started a club called the All-Ex-Self-Esteem club. My club would have focused on preserving post break-up self-esteem by engaging in activities against all exes.
The boys in the club would have been responsible for smearing Nair into our ex-boyfriends’ football helmets. The girls in the club would have befriended club members’ ex-girlfriends and put laxatives into their Diet Cokes. There would have been egging and TPing and rumor spreading. It would have been grand!
In addition to helping us poor dumpees maintain our fragile junior high self-esteem, the All-Ex-Self-Esteem club would have helped us grammatically—it would have helped us remember when to use hyphens.
When used as prefixes, the words all, ex and self use hyphens:
all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-inclusive
ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-patriot, ex-Patriot's fan
self-loathing, self-satisfied, self-aware
A club that builds self-esteem and grammar skills! It's not too late. Who’s in? I’ll provide the Nair.
(Do they even still make Nair?)