Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Don't Get Sad; Get Even

When I was in eighth grade, this guy named Chris dumped me out of nowhere after two weeks of what I thought had been total bliss.

I was devastated. I would come home from school, lock myself in my room, listen to my U2 Joshua Tree cassette tape over and over again, and ask myself why Chris still hadn’t found what he was looking for in me. Was it my bangs? Were they not big enough? Was it my jeans? Were they not acid-washed enough?

I was so depressed even my teachers noticed.

If I could turn back time, I would have handled things a bit differently. Instead of suffering, I would have made Chris suffer.

In fact, I would have started a club called the All-Ex-Self-Esteem club. My club would have focused on preserving post break-up self-esteem by engaging in activities against all exes.

The boys in the club would have been responsible for smearing Nair into our ex-boyfriends’ football helmets. The girls in the club would have befriended club members’ ex-girlfriends and put laxatives into their Diet Cokes. There would have been egging and TPing and rumor spreading. It would have been grand!

In addition to helping us poor dumpees maintain our fragile junior high self-esteem, the All-Ex-Self-Esteem club would have helped us grammatically—it would have helped us remember when to use hyphens.

When used as prefixes, the words all, ex and self use hyphens:

all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-inclusive

ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-patriot, ex-Patriot's fan

self-loathing, self-satisfied, self-aware

A club that builds self-esteem and grammar skills! It's not too late. Who’s in? I’ll provide the Nair.

(Do they even still make Nair?)


Sharyn said...

1. Yes, they still do make Nair
2. I never noticed that pattern but you're absolutely right
3. Great idea, but wouldn't it eventually become somewhat circular? We'd all be on the receiving end sooner or later.

Mark said...

Count me as a member of that club. Please.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I am SO in! :)
Wait, now I have to get dumped by someone, which involves getting in a relationship... *looks for time* *finds none*
Ah well, I'm still in. :)

Shelly said...

A club for jr. high kids that promotes grammar and self esteem? Ahhhh. Bliss.

Janet Johnson said...

Sounds like an awesome club to me! I'll get the nair. ;)

Anonymous said...

I like your attitude! And if they still make Nair, then they still make Dippity-Doo and short-shorts. Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts. Well, not me. But you remember the jingle.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

>>..."Do they even still make Nair?"

I ain't got nary a clue.

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

Jaya J said...

i think they still do. pharmacies here have this Nair wax strips in different scents.

i dont like it though :)

Crystal Pistol said...

8th grade is such a tender time. I had a Chris myself once. :)

DWei said...

I wouldn't be a part of that club simply because I prefer to work alone. :P

Somethings are just more effective and easily done with just one person.

Shannon said...

What's a cassette?

(I kid. I think I'm older than you.)

Dylan Fitzgerald said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dylan Fitzgerald said...

I'M IN. My contribution is that bologna will discolor a paint job on a car. Just sayin'.

Wendy Ramer said...

Well done, but what about "expatriate"? I believe the dictionary shows that as an unhyphenated word. At least, I hope so because that's how it's printed on the back matter of my first novel. (doh!)

Anonymous said...

Count me as a member of the club lol! One thing I love about this blog is how you incorporate grammar skills into very funny stories. This makes it engaging and informative.

anthony stemke said...

You have some great ideas on preserving self-esteem here, and a nice intro into hyphen-usage.

Theresa Milstein said...

Nair didn't work on me. We'll have to find something more potent.

Nice 80s flashback here. Visit my blog if you're looking for another.

Mykuljay said...

Yes they still make Nair. Love the reference to the cassette. Could have been worse as you went home sullen and angry, popping in your eight-track. Wait - more hyphens! I told you I can't break the habit. I am a self-described hyphen hoarder and I freely admit that fact with pride! Thank you for more classroom time!

Terra Shield said...

It must have been the jeans. ;)

And yes, I've seen Nair around here, so they still do make it, I guess.

Kelly Polark said...

I was a little gawky in jr. high. And by little, I mean a lot. So in high school the best revenge was being out of my jr. high exes' leagues when I grew out of the awkward stage. :)

James Garcia Jr. said...

Thanks for the post and the lesson, my friend. I would have gone with ex-Cowboy's fan, myself. If we would have won one of those late leads we blew, those darn Giants never would have gotten into the play-offs to beat those Patriots!
There! I feel much better now.


Hold my hand: a social worker's blog said...

Interesting about the hyphens. Phew, I need to join this club!