Missed Periods and Other Grammar Scares

Don't Get Sad; Get Even

2012-02-08T15:07:00.001-08:00

When I was in eighth grade, this guy named Chris dumped me out of nowhere after two weeks of what I thought had been total bliss.

I was devastated. I would come home from school, lock myself in my room, listen to my U2 Joshua Tree cassette tape over and over again, and ask myself why Chris still hadn’t found what he was looking for in me. Was it my bangs? Were they not big enough? Was it my jeans? Were they not acid-washed enough?

I was so depressed even my teachers noticed.

If I could turn back time, I would have handled things a bit differently. Instead of suffering, I would have made Chris suffer.

In fact, I would have started a club called the All-Ex-Self-Esteem club. My club would have focused on preserving post break-up self-esteem by engaging in activities against all exes.

The boys in the club would have been responsible for smearing Nair into our ex-boyfriends’ football helmets. The girls in the club would have befriended club members’ ex-girlfriends and put laxatives into their Diet Cokes. There would have been egging and TPing and rumor spreading. It would have been grand!

In addition to helping us poor dumpees maintain our fragile junior high self-esteem, the All-Ex-Self-Esteem club would have helped us grammatically—it would have helped us remember when to use hyphens.

When used as prefixes, the words all, ex and self use hyphens:

all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-inclusive

ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-patriot, ex-Patriot's fan

self-loathing, self-satisfied, self-aware

A club that builds self-esteem and grammar skills! It's not too late. Who’s in? I’ll provide the Nair.

(Do they even still make Nair?)

One Hand-Clapping

2012-02-02T00:23:00.000-08:00

One day, Buddha was asked ten questions by some monks. He refused to answer these ten questions, and, consequently, they have become known as the unanswerable questions. Buddha claimed that knowing the answers to such questions only hinders our advancement toward liberation. (Good one, Buddha. That’s also how I respond to my students’ questions when I don’t know the answers.)

The monks’ questions were fancy metaphysical ones like whether or not the world is eternal, whether or not the soul is identical with the body, whether or not a perfectly enlightened being exists after death, and whether or not a hyphen is required in between Buddha and belly.

Okay, fine, the monks didn’t ask Buddha about the hyphen, but they might as well have; the hyphen is as elusive as the mysteries of the universe.

I attempted to reach Buddha in hopes that he might answer the following question: Is there a rule that explains when to express words as two words, one compound word, or a hyphenated word?

I texted him, left him three voicemails and tweeted him, and he never got back to me—so I consulted some grammar gurus instead.

“To understand the hyphen,” the grammar gurus said, “one must first contemplate the sound of one hand clapping.”

In other words, nobody really knows. The consensus is this: when in doubt about whether or not two words should be hyphenated, consult the dictionary.

As you can imagine, that response did not quench my thirst for the knowledge I was seeking.

So I delved deeper into the grammatical sea of knowledge, and I found an explanation that was a bit more satisfying. I found it in the good old Texas Law Review Manual of Style. It advised that we should join two words with a hyphen “if doing so will significantly aid the reader in recognizing the compound adjective.”

So, basically, we should add a hyphen if it’s needed to clarify our meaning.

For example, if I want to express to my reader that my friend Karen loves porn, I would write the following:

Karen is a dirty-movie enthusiast.

Without the hyphen, the reader might think that Karen loves movies but hates showers:

Karen is a dirty movie enthusiast.

If I want to express that Don Juan is a prominent lover, I would use the hyphen:

Don Juan is a big-time lover.

Without the hyphen, it would appear that he is a large person who loves time:

Don Juan is a big time lover.

We have only scratched the surface of the hyphen’s infinite mysteries. More will be revealed in next week’s post.

Until then, what is the sound of one hand clapping? Is it different from the sound of one hand-clapping?

References:

“Compound Words: When To Hyphenate.” Get It Write. 27 April 2003. Web. 1 February 2012.

“The Ten Unanswered Questions.” Web. 1 February 2012. http://www.mi-lam.org/pdf/TenQuestions.pdf.

Ask and You Shall Recieve ... Eventually

2012-01-25T12:20:00.001-08:00

I am more than just an English instructor. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, and I am also the IDEA Center coordinator on my campus. I know it sounds like a creative gig, like I am paid to sit in lotus position and beget one brilliant idea after the other, but IDEA is an acronym for Individual Development Educational Assistance. Basically, I run the center which offers the students more personalized help. I mostly help students with writing skills, study skills, boyfriend issues, and time management.

But, lately, the fact that I am the campus time management go-to person seems to make as much sense as hiring Ashton Kutcher to be a marriage consultant or Mel Gibson to run anger management courses.

Since school started this quarter, for some reason, I have been terribly unorganized. That, my friends, is why your much-appreciated requests for particular grammar lessons have up until now gone unaddressed. But I would like you to know that they haven’t been forgotten. I’ve been storing them in my cheeks like a chipmunk.

So starting with my next blog post, I am going to cover the following:

Hyphens for Mykuljay at Perception Is Reality Corner

When to capitalize north, south, east and west and when to capitalize planets for Stephen T. McCarthy at Stephen T. McCarthy's STUFFS

Supersede/Supercede for my friend Jennifer

Presume/Assume for my friends Emily and Travis

While you've got me focused, any other requests?

Stop Reading. Pass It On.

2012-01-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

I believe that reading books is the best way to improve our grammar, punctuation, spelling, and vocabulary. My theory is based on the fact that when I returned home from living in Australia I was walking around for a week saying, “Bloody hell!” In other words, I believe we tend to automatically recreate what we’re exposed to. So it makes sense that if we repeatedly expose ourselves to good writing, we will subconsciously absorb such things as proper spelling and comma placement.

So I implore you to please stop reading books. And if you catch your friends reading a book or the guy next to you on the train reading his Kindle, please rip the reading material out of their hands and throw it away. Encourage them to spend more time on Facebook, or better yet, have them watch Jersey Shore marathons.

That way, late this year, when the Missed Periods and Other Grammar Scares book is scheduled to come out, the nation will be in a grammar crisis and I will sell billions and billions of copies!

What I am trying to tell you is that I got a publishing deal!

I am new to this whole publishing thing, but what I do know is that the publisher said they were aiming for a fall release, that I have a million revisions to do, and that I am super excited.

Thank you all for reading this blog and giving me the confidence in my grammar vision to turn it into a book.

Now stop reading this, and start reading Snooki’s Twitter feed.

Crazy Sexy Men

2012-01-09T14:59:00.001-08:00

If I had to come up with one word that defined 2011 for me, the word would be protest. There were all the Middle East protests, the Occupy Wall Street movement, and, I think we can agree most importantly, the Sexiest Man Alive protest.

As many of you may remember, back in November of 2011, People magazine awarded the Sexiest Man Alive title to Bradley Cooper. I distinctly recall the moment I learned that the coveted title had been bequeathed to Mr. Cooper. I was in line at the supermarket purchasing some guacamole ingredients. I make really good guacamole. The secret is a dash of cumin. Anyhow, I’m in line and I see this:

I’ll admit that I didn’t immediately succumb to Bradley Copper’s charms, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, as soon as I saw some footage of him speaking French in an interview, I swooned and converted. So I agreed wholeheartedly with People’s decision.

However, not everyone agreed. A group of people gathered outside of the People magazine headquarters to protest the fact that Ryan Gosling hadn’t won the title.

I can totally see their point. He’s hot. I saw Crazy Stupid Love. I saw those abs. And he’s a great dresser.

I think both Bradley and Ryan are perfectly acceptable Sexiest Man Alive contenders.

The Bradley/Ryan controversy reminds me a lot of the addicting/addictive controversy. You see, like Bradley and Ryan, the words addicting and addictive are both acceptable words to use when you are trying to express that something is dangerously habit forming:

Watching Bradley speak French is addicting.

Admiring Ryan’s abs is addictive.

However, the English language sticklers insist that addictive is the only acceptable choice.

I wouldn’t consider myself a stickler. If the word is in the dictionary, that’s all I need, and addicting is in the dictionary.

And speaking of the dictionary, in your opinion, under the word sexy, whose picture will you find?

Happy New Pair!

2012-01-01T12:59:00.001-08:00

In my last post, I held a Hanukkah hide-the-grammar-errors sock contest. It's like hide the matzoh, but it tastes better. (I'm kidding; matzoh is delicious with butter slathered all over it like my grandma used to make.)

To your left, is the beautiful pair of socks that will be awarded to the lucky winner. If any men had entered, I would have gone for a more androgynous pair, but since men can't find grammar errors, luxe girl it is.

P.S. Just kidding, men.
P.P.S. I really wanted to capitalize luxe girl.

Three women entered the contest, so I wrote each of their names on a piece of paper:

Then, I crumpled up the pieces of paper:

Then, I ran into my room and got my furry purple hat (faux fur, of course) that I've had for years but have never worn. New Year's resolution: wear purple furry hat.

Then, I put the crumpled pieces of paper into the hat:

Then, I shuffled the crumpled of pieces around and selected one:

The suspense is killing me!

And, drum roll please: the winner is...

Congratulations, Jessica!

(Jessica, I can't find any contact info. for you on your profile. If you see this, email me your address at missedperiods@gmail.com and the socks will be yours.)

Happy New Year to everyone!

Jews for Christmas

2011-12-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

**Grammar errors in this post are intentional. You'll see what I mean.**

“On Yentl and Moishe and Yaakov and Hymie. On Lazer on Tzeitel on Velvel and Chayim,” a Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof look-a-like wearing a furry blue and silver suit hollers to his team of oxen. One hand on his head making sure he doesn’t loose his yamulcuh in the decent and the other hand gripping a bag full of toys, every Hanukkah good ole Hershel Stein (as jolly as can be expected in today’s day and age) visits the homes of all the Jewish children. In exchange for the Manischewitz and rugelach awaiting him, Hershel brings every Jewish child eight toys (provided they weren’t on the meshugeners list). The children try to wait up to catch a glimpse of old Hershel, but always fall asleep to their favorite holiday cartoon, The Schmuck Who Borrowed Hanukkah. Only after Hershel shoots back up the chimney and finally gets comfortable in his cart (the ascension triggering his chronic lower back pain), the sleeping children are gently stirred from visions of matzo balls dancing the Hora as he bellows, “Happy Hanukkah to all and to all a gute nakht!”

That’s my fantasy Hanukkah. I know it looks a lot like Christmas, but growing up as a Jew in the U.S., all I wanted was to be able too celebrate Christmas. Christmas came with dozens of delightful carols; Hanukkah had one twenty-one word dreidel song that was to be repeated ad nauseam. Christmas cartoons were the best; Hanukkah cartoons were non-existent. Christmas had Santa and reindeer and Frosty and trees and ornaments; Hanukkah was rumored to have a bush. While all the other kids in my first grade class were cutting out there construction paper Christmas trees, I was the only kid cutting out a menorah (which, by the way, is a lot more intricate then a Christmas tree).

I know what your going to say: Christmas only has one night of gifts while Hanukkah has eight. Technically, Hanukkah has eight, but at least in my family, it really only had one good one. On the first night, my siblings and I did get some good gifts, but by night two the gift quality quickly downgraded to socks and underwear. And it was a rare Hanukkah that we even remembered to light the candles on night three.

But I’ll stop kvetching. I’m an adult now, and I’ve left my Christmas envy in the passed. In fact, I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah. To celebrate the eight nights of Hanukkah, I have included eight grammatical errors in this post. Their not tricky ones, like commas or semicolons; they’re all commonly confused word errors (i.e., there/they’re/their). List the errors in the comments section, and you will get one point per correct answer. I’ll do a drawing, and the winner will win a fabulous pair of socks!

(If you find more than eight errors, remember that the Christmas season is a very sensitive time for me.)

Where Have All the Cusacks Gone?

2011-12-14T16:47:00.000-08:00

Bill Maher said, “Any teacher that says, 'I learn as much from my students as they learn from me' is a shitty teacher and must be fired.”

If he’s right, then I am an extra shitty teacher: I don’t learn as much from my students as they learn from me; I learn more.

Judging from the research essays I’m in the midst of grading, my students haven’t learned anything from me at all. They’re not citing their sources correctly, they're sticking apostrophes in non-possessive plurals, they’re comma splicing like WE DIDN’T GO OVER IT A MILLION TIMES.

I did, however, learn something fascinating from them yesterday. One of my male students bragged to the class that he scored a date with a girl because she was impressed that he asked her out in person rather than by text.

I learned that a young man asking a young woman out in person these days is as rare as a student starting an essay earlier than five minutes before it’s due. Apparently, the preferred methods are text messages and Facebook.

Not only are texting and Facebook ruining this generation’s grammar; they are depriving them of life-changing, potentially wonderful, definitely awkward interactions. And you know what that means: the screenwriters from this generation are going to write terrible romantic movies.

Imagine: In their version of The Notebook, Noah and Allie would Facebook each other. Jerry Maguire would simply text Dorothy, “You complete me.” And in Say Anything, Lloyd Dobler would tweet Diane Court a link to “In Your Eyes,” (which would be a Justin Bieber remake).

How to Maintain an Erect Part(iciple)

2011-12-07T17:40:00.001-08:00

Honk! Honk! Beep! Beep! HOOOONK!

Don’t you love that sound? It’s the sweet sound of burgeoning grammar awareness.

As many of you know, I converted my car into a grammarmobile, and this is the front right bumper:

Therefore, I can only assume that my fellow drivers have been honking their horns at me because they are participle danglers. Since admitting there’s a problem is said to be the first step on the road to recovery, I’m quite optimistic that we’re heading in the right direction. And it’s pretty cool that so many people, especially those driving behind me in the fast lane, know what a dangling participle is.

However, it was brought to my attention the other day that not everyone knows what it means to dangle one’s participle, so allow me to explain.

Let’s start with a non-dangling participle. Let’s call it, I don’t know, what’s the opposite of dangling? How about an erect participle? We want our participles to be erect, like this one:

Driving through the streets, I am trying to spread grammar awareness.

Driving through the streets is my participial phrase. A participial phrase is (and I am oversimplifying here, but it will work for our purposes) a phrase at the beginning of a sentence that starts with an ing word.

When a sentence opens with a participial phrase, the participial phrase should modify the subject of the sentence. And in the aforementioned sentence it does. I am the one driving through the streets.

On the other hand, here is an example of a dangling participle:

Honking their horns, I am delighted by the grammar enthusiasm of my fellow drivers.

The participle is dangling because honking their horns is not modifying the subject of the sentence, which is I; it is actually modifying my fellow drivers. Here’s one way to revise it:

Honking their horns, my fellow drivers express their grammar enthusiasm.

And now that I have clarified the definition of a dangling modifier, I have a question for you about another phenomenon I frequently experience on the road. What is the grammatical significance of sticking one’s hand out the driver’s side window and dangling the pinky, ring finger, pointer finger and thumb whilst maintaining an erect middle finger?

Spotless Minds

2011-12-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am not a perfectionist. There is definitely a point when I am more than happy to give up even if I haven’t achieved my desired outcome:

If the pasta recipe requires capers but unscrewing the jar causes me to shvitz, screw the capers.

I’m content if I do most of the dishes.

I am fine with a lumpily-made bed.

Unfortunately, I want to be perfect. Or at least I want everyone else to think I’m perfect. I cringe at the thought of others witnessing my mistakes. That’s why it’s so painful to look at photos of myself from the 80s when I was into heavy blue eyeliner and acid washed jeans.

Consequently, every time I discover that I have made an error, I want to pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure on anyone who has witnessed it so we can all start over with an unblemished image of me.

That means that I would like to erase all of your memories right now.

I just learned that it’s incorrect to write or say with regards to and in regards to—with the s. The correct form is singular: with regard to and in regard to.

I am sure my past blog posts repeatedly contain this error. And since I write a, you know, grammar blog, it’s extra embarrassing that I have repeatedly committed a grammar error. But since I am not a perfectionist, I am too lazy to go back and correct it.

So if these guys show up at your door

you'll know why.

I'm Not a Monster

2011-11-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

When we were little, my mom took my sister Maggie and me to a bakery. She purchased one cookie, and I guess since I was the oldest, she gave me the responsibility of splitting it in half so my sister and I could share it.

The one cookie belonged to both my sister and me, so we would express this as:

Maggie and Jenny’s cookie

(When both parties possess the same item, we only add ’s to the possessor closest to the item.)

Since my mom entrusted me with the sacred duty of splitting the cookie, I broke the cookie in half and placed the cookie halves back-to-back to carefully measure them. Then, I gave my little sister the smaller portion.

Since my little sis and I now possessed our own individual cookie portions, we would express that as:

Maggie’s and Jenny’s cookie portions

My mom apparently witnessed the entire transaction and punished me for my selfishness by taking away my piece of cookie.

Before you judge me and applaud my mother, you have to understand the dietary environment in which I was raised. You see, my mom was an aerobics instructor and fitness guru. Richard Simmons actually held me when I was an infant so my mom could procure greens from the salad bar in his restaurant. I was raised on Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat (not the frosted kind). I was allowed only one piece of Halloween candy. Imagine: the most important decision of my childhood was whether my one piece of candy for the year would be a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or a mini Snickers bar. So, excuse me, if I wanted the big half of the cookie.

Did I mention it was a frickin’ OATMEAL cookie?

See for yourself. Here's a link to my mom's nutrition blog.

They Say Tomato; We Say Tomato

2011-11-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

On my drive to work this morning, I found myself thinking about the movie Love Actually. I can’t quite pinpoint how my stream of consciousness led me to a movie I haven’t seen in eight years. Perhaps it was Colin Firth withdrawals or the impending holiday season, but for whatever reason, I spent my morning commute thinking about all of the movie’s storylines. I eventually made my way to the Billy Bob Thornton as the misogynistic U.S. president part, and from there, I do remember my stream of consciousness. Come along for the ride:

Love Actually really painted the U.S. president as a big bully. I can see why; America definitely has that reputation. It especially did during the Bush years. Isn’t it ironic that Britain considers America a bully when originally we considered Britain to be a bully? It’s pretty interesting to think about the differences that have emerged between U.S. culture and British culture since the U.S. won its independence. Like why do Brits prefer tea and we prefer coffee? Why are Brits celebrated for their dry wit while we are more known for slapstick comedy? Why are they more civilized than we are? You know what? Maybe these differences don’t really exist. I mean, I like tea. Fawlty Towers is full of slapstick. Civilized is the last word that comes to mind when I think of Russell Brand. When it comes down to it, we’re all just people. John Lennon was right. We should all just live as one. This asshole in front of me should learn how to drive.

But even if the cultural differences are just stereotypes, there are definitely some linguistic disparities that have developed between Britain and the U.S.

For example, we deal differently with collective nouns.

A collective noun is a word used to describe a group of objects. In fact, the word group is a collective noun because in order to have a group of something, it must be made up of more than one. Other collective nouns include committee, troop, herd, and society.

In the United States, we tend to treat the collective noun as a singular noun, so we use a singular verb.

Congress has decided to consider collective nouns singular.

In Britain, they tend to treat the collective noun as plural, so they use the plural verb.

Parliament have decided to consider collective nouns plural.

I have always been interested to find out how and why American English is different from its British origin—not interested enough to actually do the research, but interested enough to form my own unfounded theories.

My theory regarding the difference between the ways the U.S. and Britain deal with collective nouns is that the U.S. decided to consider a group as one singular entity to stress the fact that we are united, as suggested by the name of our country.

My theory about why Americans use the term french fries instead of chips is because we believe that if it’s French it can’t make us fat.

And my theory about why Americans use the word line instead of queue is because, let’s face it, we have enough issues with spelling.

It's All Greek for Me

2011-11-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, grammar was not my first love. John Stamos from Full House was my first love.

Well, John and books. As I mentioned before, the only trophy I ever won was for a third grade read-a-thon.

So, today, instead of honoring grammar, I would like to take a moment to honor books. Actually, one book in particular: fellow blogger Jessica Bell's String Bridge.

Like John Stamos, whose original last name was Stamotopoulos, String Bridge is of Greek origin. Well, it takes place in Greece. Close enough.

And it sounds awesome:

"Greek cuisine, smog and domestic drudgery was not the life Australian musician, Melody, was expecting when she married a Greek music promoter and settled in Athens, Greece. Keen to play in her new shoes, though, Melody trades her guitar for a 'proper' career and her music for motherhood. That is, until she can bear it no longer and plots a return to the stage—and the person she used to be. However, the obstacles she faces along the way are nothing compared to the tragedy that awaits, and she realizes she's been seeking fulfillment in the wrong place."

And the reviews are fantastic!

I can't wait to read it. I hope you read it too!

Today is THE day to help Jessica Bell's debut, STRING BRIDGE, hit the bestseller list on Amazon, and receive the all-original soundtrack, Melody Hill: On the Other Side, written and performed by the author herself, for free!

All you have to do is purchase the book today (paperback, or eBook), November 11th, and then email the receipt to:
jessica.carmen.bell(at)gmail(dot)com

She will then email you a link to download the album at no extra cost!

To purchase the paperback:

Amazon USA

To purchase the eBook:

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

To listen to samples of the soundtrack, visit iTunes.

If you are not familiar with String Bridge, check out the book trailer:

Keanu Forever

2011-11-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

What I am about to tell you will most likely cause you to lose respect for me.

I harbor an unconditional love for Keanu Reeves. He could make one hundred Sweet Novembers and Lake Houses or a Matrix Regurgitated, and my allegiance wouldn’t wane.

This love affair started in 1988 when I saw a little movie called Permanent Record on cable. At some point in the movie, the camera zoomed in on this punim:

And that was it for me.

Then, three years later, I experienced this scene from Point Break:

To my teenage self, this was the epitome of romance: lying on the bare chest of a gorgeous, pensive man who has great biceps.

So here’s the part where if you haven’t lost respect for me already you might now. The other day, I was lying on the chest of my husband (who happens to be quite gorgeous and have nice biceps), and I thought to myself, “Wow. I’m totally living my Point Break fantasy.”

After that, I have pretty much been letting myself go. I quit my job. I stopped writing. I stopped showering. I mean, I pretty much peaked, right?

Point Break is obviously very special to me, so I am not thrilled about the fact that they are planning on remaking it. Nor am I terribly thrilled about the recent Footloose remake or the proposed Dirty Dancing remake.

Is nothing sacred? Who else besides Keanu Reeves can deliver lines like "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta' go down" or "You gonna jump or jerk off?"

Surely there are plenty of talented screenwriters out there who can write NEW movies.

And along the same lines, why have we chosen to remake words when there are so many new ones out there?

Why must we have two other words that sound exactly like there ? Why must the present and past form of read be the same? The word set has 464 definitions. Don’t you think we could have come up with some new words to bear some of set’s burden?

And I know there are new words out there because I see them every time I am required to use the word verification option. We should just steal the word verification letter combinations and use them to make the English language less confusing.

For example, people commonly confuse the words weather and whether. I say we keep whether and change weather to the word verification letter combination I recently encountered, reanthor. It almost contains the word rain and it does contain the word thor. Perfect!

Any other pressing problems you need me to solve? The high unemployment rate?

Wait...do I mean that the unemployment rate is high, or am I referring to the unemployment rate of those who are stoned? Good question. In this case, I am referring to the latter. Let me just reach into my bag of word verification letter combos to find a word to take high's place.

How about flikst?

Fancy a Quickie?

2011-10-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am aware that there is a time and a place for a quickie, but overall don’t you think that the experience and the result are more satisfying when we take our time?

And I’m not just talking about you know; I’m talking about the way we go about things in general.

On the one hand, we do seem to value the idea of taking our time with sayings like “stop and smell the roses” and fables like “The Tortoise and the Hare.” But on the other hand, we are a culture of multi-tasking, microwave dinners and George Clooney’s relationships.

Many of my students think they are “bad” writers because it takes them a long time to write an essay. I tell them that good writing usually does take a long time. Snooki’s bestselling book wasn’t built in a day, I reassure them. In fact, one of my favorite sayings about writing, which I include on my syllabus, is this one from Enrique Jardiel Poncela: “When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.”

There’s the brainstorming of the essay, the organizing of ideas, the first draft, the proofreading, the looking up of grammar rules you’re unsure about (I know, and Snooki actually wrote her book), the final draft, the proofreading, the having someone else proofread it, the next revision, and then the having it notarized and emblazoned with the family crest.

So I feel like such a hypocrite when I give my class an in-class essay. I am, aren’t I? Should I nix the in-class exams? Or is there a place for timed writing?

Extra! Extra! Read All About Me and My Grammar Crusade!

2011-10-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

We made the OC Register!

Here's the link:

Grammar lady spikes her lessons with humor | grammar, people, students - Life - The Orange County Register

How Many People Have You Slept With?

2011-10-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I was so accurate with numbers. When someone would ask my age, I would answer, “I’m five and three quarters and seven days and…” I would stall as I checked my Smurfette watch,” three hours.” Ask me today, and I’d say 29—the same age I have been claiming for the past five years. I think it’s fair to say that as we get older we start manipulating numbers to suit our needs.

Boyfriend: How many guys have you been with?

Girlfriend: Quite a few more than the number I am about to give you.

Girl: How tall are you?

Boy: I’m five el…I mean, six feet.

Driver’s License Renewal Form Question: Weight?

Me: The number I am going to weigh after I finish the diet I will be starting tomorrow.

Although I partially blame this numbers-gone-wild attitude for our confusion regarding how to express numbers when we write, the main reason many of us get confused about when to actually spell out the number or when to use the symbol is because there’s really no accepted industry consensus. Some writing style guides require us to spell out the number if it can be expressed in two words or fewer (twenty-nine, seven, one hundred). Others require us to only spell out the numbers less than 10 (29, seven, 100). Others require us to use Roman numerals within XIV minutes of eating Italian food (XXIX, VII, C).

Because different industries and academic disciplines ascribe to different style guides, it’s probably a good idea to ask your bosses and instructors which they prefer. If you ask them and they look at you like you are crazy, then the good news is that you get to choose your own style.

I am going to choose to follow the easiest style: the one that says to only spell out numbers less than 10. I simply don’t have time for anything complicated because I’m very busy planning my next 29^th birthday.

What a Wonderful Word

2011-10-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

I revisited the Johnny Depp movie Don Juan DeMarco on Netflix a few days ago. I saw it in the theatre when it first came out in 1994 when I was a newborn. Okay, fine, I wasn’t a newborn in 1994; I was a toddler. Okay, fine, I wasn’t a toddler either; I was nineteen. You do the math. On second thought…don’t.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Don Juan DeMarco. Have you seen it? Johnny Depp’s unbearably hot character believes he’s Don Juan DeMarco, the world’s best lover. Everyone else believes he’s delusional. One of the movie’s major themes is the question of whether or not it’s okay to live in a fantastical, delusional reality. In my opinion, the movie argues that it is, in fact, okay to create one’s own reality.

So I’m going to create my own reality. In my delusion of grandeur, I believe I owe everyone an apology. In this delusion, you have all been wondering why I didn’t post last week. You’ve been experiencing terrible grammar withdrawals. You’ve been contacting one another in a panic wondering if anyone has heard from me.

Well, you can relax now. I’m back. It’s been a crazy month because my two very best friends got married within a few weeks of each other. I have, consequently, been organizing wedding showers, bachelorette parties, strippers, and toasts.

Both weddings were beautiful, but I can’t help wishing that I could turn back time so that I could have read the article 14 More Wonderful Words With No English Equivalent before I gave my toast on Saturday. There are definitely some words I could have used that would have made me sound more worldly.

I could have, for example, said that my friend experienced koi no yokan when she first met her husband. That’s a Japanese word that means “upon first meeting a person you know that the two of you will fall in love.”

I might have been able to work in the Brazilian word cafune, which means “tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.” Although, that may have been a bit creepy.

I would have definitely said that my friend loves her husband so much that she often experiences gren-jai. That’s a Thai word that means “the feeling you get when you don’t want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them.” I have never personally experienced that feeling, but my friend is much nicer than I am.

However, as I said, the weddings were great, and the last one was especially crazy. I mean, you know it’s a good wedding when half the guests had to rhwe. That’s a Tsongan word that means “to sleep on the floor without a mat while drunk and naked.”

Well...I Guess I Can Complain

2011-09-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

Chief Visionary Officer of Collegiate EmPowerment, Anthony D’ Angelo said, “If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”

The problem is that I actually don’t have time today. I’ve got new syllabi to write, two work meetings, a speech to write for my best friend’s wedding, a yoga class, and I haven’t even unpacked from my weekend getaway.

So instead of taking the time to do something about poor grammar—like offer a lesson—I am just going to complain about it. (And let’s face it: it wouldn’t be the first time.)

The other day I was looking for studies to prove my theory that reading improves writing. I came upon a website that offered this gem:

Reading and writing are interrelated. Reading can improve grammer and vocabulary. Reading extensively can improve your grammer more that listening is able to do. It improves vocabulary and increases the likelyhood of using new words in speech and in writing. Reading also provides examples of new expressions, phrases and idioms that the reader can use.

(I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the errors.)

To the credit of whoever wrote this, he or she never said reading can improve spelling.

Are You There, Stephenie? It's Me, Jenny.

2011-09-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

I just realized today that I am a Twi-Hard.

I haven’t actually read any of the Twilight books. I did see the first movie once when I was flipping through cable. Is it me or was it totally creepy when Edward told Bella that he had been watching her sleep? I guess it was supposed to be romantic, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I knew that the guy I liked spent the whole evening watching me—especially in the beginning of a relationship when I’m still trying to impress him. I’d be too afraid that I would snore or drool or something.

However, despite the fact that I’ve never read the books and have issues with Edward’s stalker-like behavior, I want to call Ms. Meyer right now and beg her to write more Twilight books. It was only during the height of Twilight’s popularity that I remember seeing my students walking around with their noses in a book like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

I just read in the news that SAT reading scores hit a 40-year low. But if young adults would read more, not only would their SAT scores improve, so would their grammar. Sure, I can teach them the grammar rules and have them practice by applying them to their own writing, but if they aren’t consistently exposed to grammatically sound writing, they probably won’t retain them.

The problem is that a lot of my students claim to HATE reading. My brain—the brain of someone whose only trophy is from a third grade read-a-thon— doesn’t quite comprehend that statement. It’s like when someone tells me they don’t like chocolate: I don’t believe them. I think they are just saying that because they’re on a diet and don’t want to admit it.

Is it really possible to hate reading?

Is it possible to hate chocolate?

What book would you challenge a self-proclaimed reading hater with?

P.S. Kelly Polark recently started a very cool blog that promotes literacy by letting us know what celebs are reading.

If I Could Be Anyone...

2011-09-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

Due to underfunded public schools and the fact that most teens curl up with an iPhone rather than a good book, many high school graduates don’t possess even the most basic writing skills. And as many of you know, a lot of these students end up in my college English class.

Because I sincerely care about my students’ education, I carefully construct lesson plans to keep them engaged. I write extensive comments on their essays. I use a purple pen instead of a red one because I heard that red ink intimidates students. I stay after class to help. And now I am grading the final essay—the essay I urged them to take seriously and proofread over and over because it represents the progress they made over the quarter –and guess what? THEY’RE STILL MAKING STUPID, CARELESS ERRORS!

Several students aren’t capitalizing the word I. They are sticking their semicolons in more random places than Tiger Woods stuck his, um, golf ball. One student even wrote that she doesn’t judge people based on their “raise.”

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

To balance out the terrible essay writing, Talli Roland's wonderful writing is being released today. Buy a copy of Willow on Amazon UK for £1.71, or on Amazon.com for $2.99.

The September Issue

2011-09-07T11:13:00.001-07:00

I apologize if I’ve been relatively absent from the blogosphere in these early days of September, but I got myself involved in something that took a lot longer than I thought it would. But I did it: I finally made it through Vogue’s September issue. I’ll be honest with you; after the first 150 advertisements, I didn’t think I could do it anymore. It wasn’t just because my arms were giving out under the magazine’s weight, but I started to descend into the kind of depression that comes when you realize that a pair of shoes is worth more than you are.

But I had to read it because I love fashion, and the September issue is considered thee most important issue of the year. It’s full of all the must-have hats and boots and scarves and coats for the fall season. Landing the cover of a fashion magazine’s September issue is a great honor.

Since September’s not over yet, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring. My friend took these pics of me for her digital photography class, and I am going to post them here in the hopes that a fashion magazine editor will notice me.

I was hoping to make the cover of ElleMNOP, Glammar, or even Webster’s Bazaar.

They're Not Gonna Take It

2011-08-31T11:50:00.001-07:00

When I first started teaching, I was really excited about the potential of my students’ generation. These young adults showed a propensity to stand up for what they believed in. They weren’t afraid to declare their willingness to object to the status quo. This generation, I thought to myself, is the one that is going to make change happen.

I got the sense of my students’ rebelliousness, not from what they said nor from what they wore, but rather from what they wrote. Nary would I come across an essay in which a student hadn’t written the word defiantly over and over again. Dissent was obviously brewing deep inside of these young men and women.

I soon discovered that it wasn’t actually dissent that was brewing; it was poor spelling skills. You see, my students would misspell definitely as definately, and then Auto Correct would change it to defiantly.

After I realized that their “defiance” was a matter of spelling rather than principle, I began my own little campaign: the If You Are Going to Learn to Spell One Word Correctly, Make It Be Definitely campaign.

However, thanks to Microsoft Word 2010, I can finally put that campaign to rest. Microsoft Word 2010’s Auto Correct changes definately to definitely.

My next campaign: Stop the iPhone’s Auto Correct feature from changing hell to he’ll. Sometimes I do actually intend to reference Satan’s lair. If you’ve ever had to grade a stack of research papers, you’d understand why.

The Powerlessness of Now

2011-08-24T12:06:00.001-07:00

Okay, look, I know I am supposed to live in the now and appreciate what I have, but it’s hard when my future is going to be soooo much more awesome than my now. Today, I am merely an English teacher with a stack of essays riddled with unnecessary commas and missing apostrophes plopped on my desk. In the future, I am going to be a famous author. I am going to own vacation homes in the Mediterranean and Hawaii. And once my new age-defying face cream kicks in, my skin will be resplendent.

I also kind of enjoy living in my past. It’s fun to spend hours replaying the fight in my head that Heather and I got into in the seventh grade when I found out she called me a wannabe behind my back. My thirty-five-year-old comebacks are so much better than my twelve-year-old comebacks: "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about" versus “I know you are but what am I.” (Granted, I plagiarized my thirty-five-year-old comeback from Oscar Wilde, but Heather has no idea—she’s only twelve.)

The fact that I reside mostly in the future and the past makes me a then kind of person.

(Future) Once I am relaxing on my lanai with my glowing skin, then I will be happy.

(Past) Back then, I was reading Sweet Valley High, not Oscar Wilde.

But, now that I think about it, I’m also kind of a than person. I constantly compare myself to others:

I hope my life turned out better than Heather's.

Are you a then or a than? Or both?

Or are you the frickin’ Dalai Lama?

ok, o.K., OKAY!

2011-08-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

I used to believe the saying “there is nothing new under the sun”— until yesterday. I was at the market and I heard a woman say to her friend, “I’ve been trying to gain a few pounds.”

No, you didn’t read that incorrectly. A woman actually expressed the desire to GAIN weight.

Next thing you know the penis reduction industry will boom. Children will be throwing tantrums when their parents give them cookies instead of broccoli. Kim Kardashian will have a small, intimate wedding.

Of course, I turned around to see what this woman looked like, and she was definitely thin. But in my experience, even thin women want to be thinner. Women who wear a size 2 want to wear a size 0. Women who wear a size 0 still think they have five pounds to lose. It’s Southern California. She’s lucky there wasn’t a cop around; she might have been arrested.

I can only remember one other time when my concept of reality had been rocked so hard.

I had always assumed words started out long, and then we’d get lazy and abbreviate them. For example, television had been shortened to TV, sexually transmitted diseases to STDs, United States of America to USA, and Puff Daddy to P. Diddy to Diddy.

So imagine how shocked I was when I learned that the word OK started as an abbreviation and then later was lengthened to the word okay.

The origin of OK is still considered a mystery, but the most popular theory is that in 1839 when comical misspellings were all the rage (remember that?), OK stood for Orl Korrect, which was the comical misspelling of All Correct. Soon after, OK became a word of its own and kept the meaning “All Correct.”

I did not know this. Consequently, for years, I have been correcting my students’ OKs and O.K.s with okays.

However, different style guides prefer different expressions of the word. For example, the Associated Press Style Guide prefers OK, the New York Times prefers O.K., and Garner's Modern American Usage prefers okay.

Which expression of the word do you prefer?

Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, or Diddy?

I mean, OK, O.K., or okay.

References:

“Okay vs OK.” Words Between the Spaces. 13 Jan. 2010. Web. 17 August 2011.

Do You Want to Know The Secret?

2011-08-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

Bradley Cooper will ask me out on a date. Bradley Cooper will ask me out on a date. Bradley Cooper will ask me out on a date. There will be a million dollar check waiting for me when I get home. There will be a million dollar check waiting for me when I get home. There will be a million dollar check waiting for me when I get home.

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there. How’s it going? I was just sitting here visualizing and telling the universe what I would like. You see, I went to a bachelorette party last weekend, and one of the other ladies brought The Secret, so I finally read it, and what can I say: I’m pretty dang excited about my future now that I realize that I can control it.

Chocolate won’t make me fat. Chocolate won’t make me fat. Chocolate won’t make me fat.

My life is definitely going to be a lot less moody.

When I say less moody, what I mean is that there is one verb mood that I will no longer be using. I will no longer be using the subjunctive.

There are three verb moods in the English language: the indicative, the imperative, and the subjunctive.

We use the subjunctive when we are expressing wishful thinking, which means we use were instead of was:

Reality: Bradley Cooper was dating Renee Zellweger.

Wishful thinking: I wish he were dating me.

We also use the subjunctive were when we are imagining something unrealistic:

If I were to receive a million dollar check today, chocolate wouldn’t make me fat.

(Because I would be able to afford all the liposuction I wanted!)

But now that I’ve discovered The Secret, soon EVERYTHING will be realistic, and I can say goodbye to the subjunctive mood.

Now where was I…

My legs will grow three inches. My legs will grow three inches. My legs will grow three inches.